Unexplained pain scares me

I've been in some pain since yesterday and because I don't have an explanation for it, I'm worried about it.

It started yesterday as a twinge on my left side, so I thought I might be ovulating from the side with no tube. I've noticed one period so far since my op where I definitely ovulated form the 'bad' side - as it hurt a lot.

This morning I started getting a stabbing pain in my vagina and it hurts every time I bend over, lean or walk. The pain has now moved to my right side, so I'm hoping it's just the path of my egg making its way to pop out of my remaining fallopian tube.

Because pain that changes side can be a sign of an ectopic, I did a pregnancy test, although it's be too soon to tell anyway. I guess I just wanted to reassure myself. Stabbing pains in my vagina happened just before my fallopian tube burst in January, but as James reminded me - I was in a LOT more pain then. 

It may seem neurotic to some, but when you've come so close to dying (and not even realised it at that moment in time), every pain thus forth has to be explained away. If I ever manage to have a child/family, I think I'll opt for sterilisation afterwards so I never have to go through this worry ever again.

Hopefully, this pain is 'just' ovulation. 

I'm trying to ignore it. I just played table tennis and managed to push through the pain. The gynae appointment at the hospital can't come quick enough!

Good doctor visit with TMI photo!

Something I should've clarified before is some of the things I post in this blog don't have anything to do with pregnancy or wanting to be pregnant, but there's no other place for them. I certainly can't post photos of my vaginal discharge on my main blog ;) 

Any lady-bits related stuff will go in this blog. 

Something I realised I needed to make a clarification on is the difference between me wanting to be pregnant and thinking I am. It's highly improbable that I am up the duff, I know that, but it doesn't stop me wishing I was. I'm very glad my doctor is checking for it (without anything actually having to be said), and without making me feel like some kind of mental patient.

I went to see the lovely lady GP today. The last few doctor visits I've had, I've printed off all the salient details to hand over, rather than attempting to rely on my crap memory, and it seems to have worked wonders. I listed every slightly 'hinky' thing which has happened since my ectopic pregnancy - the cramping combined with light bleeding, the cramping on its own at various times, the numerous occasions there has been bloody mucus when wiping after a wee, the oddness of my cycle etc etc. And of course I showed her my bulging tum, and she examined it.

My blood is being checked to see if my hormones are out of whack, I'm having a hcg test just to rule pregnancy out (because of my history), and I had vaginal swabs taken to see if an infection is causing the old blood in my cervical mucus. I also showed the doc a photo of the mucus so she could see the colour and consistency of it. What a treat for her at 8.30 in the morning! Poor love.

When I had the speculum inserted by the nurse and she locked it open it bloody hurt like hell. I've had several smears and numerous internals from my ectopic pregnancies and I've never had any pain when someone's been rooting around in my lady passage. The nurse told me afterwards to expect blood, as she could see my cervix is 'tender'. I'll bloody say so, it still stings when I bend over nearly 12 hours later. She was right about the blood too, it came out after the last 2 wees with what looks like a load of skin cells.

I post these TMI photos in case anyone else comes along who's wondering what the hell is going on with their body. It seems there's a lot of talk on the internet on forums about people trying to conceive, a lot of questions being asked, and not a lot of answers. I want photos! I want to know what things look like, so I can identify with people and thus feel less lost myself. If I can help one person feel less lost and alone, I'm happy to keep the TMI photos coming.

TMI PHOTO ALERT!

Don't look if you're easily grossed out.

You can click this for a larger image if you're brave enough

Those minging little balls are bits of skin that came out. 

Gerrrr-oss!

Here is the latest gut photo in all its..errrr...glory.

Whoaaaaa! That's some IBS!

The Mr says I've lost weight (which is probably due to the manic time I've had cleaning and moving furniture around for the electricians) but definitely not in the tummy area. 

In a week I'll know if my hormones are out of whack and if I have any yukky infections.

Has anyone had pain or bleeding after a vaginal exam?

Oh shite, I forgot to mention fibroids and poly cystic kidneys as possible causes of swelling.

I'll see what the test results are then go from there.

I'm just really pleased my doc is on the ball.

So, it happened. TMI photo!

I knew someone would ask me if I was pregnant last night, and they did. 

Sometimes having a sixth sense sucks.

I went to the wedding reception of someone who now works for the same company I used to work for. I didn't actually work with her - I worked with her mum - and I got to know E through her mum. I knew I'd be seeing some faces I hadn't seen for a long time, and although I'm not Facebook friends with all of the ex-Comet people there, I'm friends with enough of them for news to have got around about my last ectopic pregnancy and us trying for another sprog.

I was greeted very warmly by everyone there and it was really touching, actually. I was well and truly hugged! 

One of the ladies there came up to me, cradled my belly and asked me "When is it due?"

"Tomorrow!" I said, laughing. 

She asked if I was joking and I said I'm not pregnant. She was terribly apologetic, and I just laughed it off, but it has reinforced my need to find out what the hell is going on with me, as I know I LOOK very pregnant.

Excuse the stupid facial expression. This is me standing naturally, not pooching the thing out.

Added to that, everyone told me I looked really well, and the word 'glowing' was used more than once.

I've been feeling great, too - which for anybody who knows the story of my health - is a very rare occurrence along the lines of rocking horse shit. So rare, I wonder what the hell is causing it, because I can't remember the last time I felt this alive. But hey ho, I'm embracing it! I'll make the most of it :)

Last week was a really busy one, with very little sleep because of the early mornings every day (it takes me a long time to get to sleep, way into the small hours most times, and I was getting up at 7.30am every day ready for the electricians), lots of heavy lifting and sweating my butt off every day. I emptied out the whole spare room (aside from the Mr's drum kit) to the opposite side of the flat so the room could be re-wired, moved all the furniture to the centre of the living room so the electricians could do the wall sockets, cleaned like a loony getting rid of all the plaster dust residue every day, had a massive clear out of junk from the spare room, and re-homed everything the electricians moved out of their way (which was almost every damn thing).

I've had a bee in my bonnet about everything. I cleared out the cupboard under the stairs, even though I'm terrified of lurking spiders, rearranged all the bedroom furniture apart from the bed (good luck moving that on my own, it weighs a ton!), swept cobwebs, and did a dozen other annoying jobs. As well as this I've been doing loads of work on the website, I've designed loads of new badges, uploaded hundreds of photos to the Funki Munki Badges Facebook page, done the orders....need I go on?!

In short, I'm a woman possessed.

Possessed by what is what I don't know. I keep expecting Sigourney Weaver to pop up while she waits for an alien to burst out of my abdomen!

BOO!

On a serious note, once the electricians have gone once and for all (so I don't have to be at home in the mornings and can get to the docs for 8am) I will go to the doctor to ask for tests.

Edited to show goo coming out of my front bottom at various stages of the month.

Charming eh? Likely my hormones are fucked.

I think the oddness with bleeding and irregular periods are probably caused by out of whack hormones and are a different issue to the stomach swelling. I'm going to the doctors tomorrow morning and hopefully she'll have a root where the sun doesn't shine to see if she can feel fibroids or anything. I'll also bring up poly cystic kidneys as that can cause stomach swelling too. Thinking about it, my aunt who has PCK has a quite rounded tum, and she's as skinny as a rake.

The Gut

I know for a fact I've only put a pound on since January, because I was weighed last week at the hospital. I'm pretty sure in January I didn't look like this.

The Mr took some shots of me for my other blog earlier and this is a 'reject' from those shots, as I certainly wouldn't want people to see this over there. I had no idea it had got this big. I knew it was getting bigger, but I didn't know it looked like this:

 There it is, at the left side of the photo, just by my right hand. That thing jutting out at a weird angle like that. My bloody stomach. 

You can see the narrowest part of me, just under my boobs. Those horizontal lines there are elastic, and just above that you can see the curve of my boob. That point there to where I've put the horizontal red line (above) is what has totally freaked me out. It's not normally dead flat, but it's not normally like that either!

Here, I've cropped, lightened and drawn a line around the outside of that thing so you can see better what I mean.

I wish I had one fully sideways-on to show you the monstrosity of that thing. 

What the fuck is it?! 

I'm a fat bird, but generally speaking my boobs stick out more or equal to my stomach. My fattest bit has always been below the belly button, not just under my boobs. 

It's not a dodgy angle, that's me standing normally and not holding anything in. I had no idea it looked like that. We have no full length mirror here.

For comparison, this is what I looked like a little over a year ago, and I'm about the same weight now. It's not the best pic as the dots make your eyes go funny, but it doesn't look like I'm hiding an extractor fan under my top, like the other pictures do.

It's a fuzzy pic because I've 'borrowed' it off a mate from Facebook

See, I was kinda straight up and down. Boobage sticking out about as much as the gut. I've deliberately chosen another kinda sideways on picture for comparison.

What the fuck?

Has anyone got any missing livestock?! Hahaha! Any missing cows in the area?

Now do you see why I think I might* be pregnant? 

*Despite alllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll probability.

Yes, just go ahead and call that shrink for me now. You know you wanna.

I really don't know what's going on in my body

So, you know I had my second ectopic in January.

8 weeks to the DAY after that I came on, and had a normal period. Thank you very much, I can still likely conceive. Woop de woop!

My next period after that was after 29 days (my usual cycle) and was really heavy, soaked through 2 super-absorbancy towels at once, right through my clothes, made me anaemic, yadda yadda. Having a good ol' clear out.

Then I had a shitload of pregnancy symptoms, starting in early April and going on for weeks. I 'came on' or had a heavy-ish bleed for 4 days (which seemed like a normal period to me, although thankfully not as heavy as the last one by far) and 2 days of light spotting afterwards (I normally go 4 days, maybe 4 and a bit, with no spotting afterwards ever, it just dwindles and ends). That was on day 41 of my cycle that I 'came on'. I didn't stop feeling pregnant in the slightest, making me think I was going fucking insane. 

 Of course, I couldn't share this with any living soul, not anyone lest people think 'Aww, she's so desperate to be a mum she's imagining herself pregnant.'

I've been up with horrible cramps more nights than I care to remember, I've even phoned the hospital in tears twice, and I haven't been able to share this with anyone, not even James.

Every other time I've been late (twice last year, for instance) I've come on early afterwards as if my body knows exactly what it's doing and where my cycle should be. If that'd been the case, I should have come on on May 21st (12 days late + 17 days into cycle= 29) or thereabouts but I didn't. I did however have lots of blood with mucus in it every time I wiped after a pee (which lasted for 2-3 days), and lots of tummy cramps which kept me up till the early hours crying my eyes out around the time I may have come on, if my body was re-regulating itself.

I wasn't overly bothered about not coming on then, and just thought that when it got to the usual 29 days I would've come on - on June 2nd. 

Did I bollocks! 

So I'm a week late today and I have a box load of negative tests. Literally a dozen, the last one done a few days ago.

What the FUCK is going on? Am I starting the menopause? What other reason could there be for my cycle going from 29 days since the year dot, to the late 30/early 40 days mark?

To be clear, I have never been late twice on the trot in my life. 

But then prior to January I'd never in my life had a part of my reproductive system yanked out, either!

To further add to the already massive headfuck, I've had sore tits for ages, feel ratty and weepy and altogether pre-menstrual....without a fucking period to blame for it, thus far. 

Am I just seeing the dwindling of my menstrual cycle as I sink into grey old age? 

Will I come on within the next week? 

How long is a piece of string?!

If things weren't bad enough, Miss Googlefingers here has been doing some research about stuff and things, and came up with decidual bleeding and reports of people who go full term without ever having a positive home pregnancy test. 

Why do I do it to myself?

Long story short, do I think I'm pregnant? I don't know. 

Do I think something is seriously fucked in my body? Yes.

I'm going to go and see a doctor about this soon to see if there are any hormone tests they can do on me. 

I'm starting to seriously believe I may never hold my child in my arms, and if that is the case, how can I get married next year, knowing I could be ridding him of his chance to be a father? A man's need to father a child is strong, and it might be kinder to break it off so he can do that, rather than him deciding 10 years down the road, when the ship has truly sailed for me (if it ever had wind to begin with), that he has to be a dad.

I don't think I could take that. 

What a headfuck.

Fuuuuuuuck

I went to bed last night feeling nauseous and woke up this morning bleeding - WTF?!

I *was* going to go to the docs this morning as I would've been 12 days late today, but when I got up at 7am to get ready and went for a wee there was a little brown blood when I wiped. I went back to bed as I thought there's no point going to the doctors now. I had cramping all day yesterday with no bleeding, so at first I wasn't too worried.

When I got up some hours later (I've been sooo tired lately) I expected to see a pad smothered in blood, but there was nothing, but throughout this afternoon the blood has got redder and heavier. Some light bleeding can be expected in early pregnancy, but not this much, surely? So I think that's that. I've got a lot of cramping, more on the side where I have no tube for some stupid reason, but I guess everything is still inflamed from the op.

I have no plans to go to the hospital to find out if I'm having a miscarriage (unless the pain worsens). I think it's best if I never know one way or the other whether I was just late, or have lost a bean, but you all know my suspicions.

I'm sad, fucked off and miserable and I'd bloody well better bleed for a full 5 days so I can put this behind me without any more worry.

Yes, we can try again and yes I can enjoy a cheeky Pimms or two now, but it doesn't stop me being incredibly fucked off. I'll bounce back - what other choice do I have?!

I'm not going to pray

It didn't do me any good last time to plead silently in the night with the higher power (call it what you want), so I'm not going to start now. Last night when I was too afraid to go to sleep in case I didn't wake up* I found myself close to begging for all to be well, but stopped myself. Hoping and praying doesn't work. Whatever is going to happen will happen whether or not I cast requests for help and positivity into the ether.

So here I am, 5 days late, nauseous as ever, with breaking back, greasy skin, spotty face, fatigue, slightly sore ta-ta's, and yet another negative test telling me I'm deluded. Last time I had all these symptoms and a positive result. This time I have the symptoms and no test result to reassure, not that being pregnant is any assurance for someone who's had ectopic pregnancies. I should be entirely disheartened, but I'm not totally without hope, and even as I say that I feel a fool. I feel a fool to hope, because hope has been no friend of mine thus far.

Being sure of something against all evidence is a sign of madness or blind faith, and I'm not sure what the cause of mine is. However, my body is telling me something is not right within. 

I take some reassurance from the women I see on forums who had symptoms but didn't get a positive test until they were a week late,  2 weeks late, 6 weeks late, 7 weeks late, 4 months late.....although by that point I think I would've asked for an ultrasound! :) I know it's very early days for me to get upset about it. It wouldn't be so bad if I hadn't felt pregnant for over 3 weeks by this point. The stress is so bad I think I'd almost rather come on to be rid of the stress. James is worried sick.

Do I trust this tiny sliver of hope inside me? Do I believe the symptoms I'm getting? Or do I start to worry that I'm going insane?

If I can, I'm going to avoid testing for another week and see if my symptoms persist or if I come on. I'll carry on taking my folic acid, avoiding booze, raw eggs, soft cheese, pate and all that jazz just in case.

*I had diarrhoea yesterday, which can be a sign of ectopic pregnancy. I had diarrhoea the day before my tube burst, so I got into an almighty panic and wrote James a note in case I didn't wake up. Also, I had some twinges in my left side, but I think they're psychosomatic, as every time I think about my op I get twinges there, and besides, I have no left tube.

So, here we are

I'm 2 days late now, and not a smidge of red to be seen anywhere. I'm still nauseous, my lower back feels like it's made of glass, and I've started sleeping like the dead. I had over 10 hours sleep last night, a very rare treat indeed. Also, I've been feeling a bit like I'm getting a cold, so I looked at my diary for last year, and sure thang, when I was in the early stages of pregnancy then I started to feel a bit sore throated and weird. I also saw in my diary last time how I got all spotty and greasy of forehead. Check! Spotty chin, lardy forehead.

So today I'm going to test. I *had* told myself I'd wait to see if I was a week late and then test, but if I am prego this bean could be ectopic and I could be in a world of shit before I know it. My first ectopic was when I was 3 weeks pregnant - i.e. a week before my period was due. That's why I had no idea I was pregnant until everything kicked off that time.

All along - since less than a week after we did the deed - I've been convinced I am pregnant. James's doubt and lack of excitement haven't bothered me (and I totally get his lack of excitement, it's self preservation) because it's like there's been a little voice reassuring me all will be well.

Sometime today or perhaps tomorrow morning (for the better capture of hcg in morning pee) I'm going to find out if that voice is true or a trickster.

But what if I'm going mental and imagining the whole thing?! Arrrghhh. Every time I go for a pee I expect to see red. I've done 3 tests now and they're all negative. That's it, no more testing unless I haven't come on in another 5 days, then I'll be a week late.

Must. Be. Strong.

Last time I was 6 days late when I tested and the second line was VERY faint. I guess I was a daft arse for expecting to see anything at 2 days late! I must stop this cycle of hope and despair. Easier said than done when it means the world to me :(

Well....

..... I am now officially late.

Yesterday came and went without a hint of redness. Every time I pee I expect to see something, but there's nothing there. Something I noticed yesterday is that I am extremely emotional. Everything sets me off - happy, sad, you get the picture.

Also, my boobs feel weird. This is TMI but they feel different, extra soft and spongy, but fuller too. WTF is that all about?!

It's too soon to be counting my chickens, but every day I don't come on leads me closer to thinking I *might* actually be incubating a host! :)

I've decided....

....that if I'm not knocked up, that I might just be dying. Nausea, headaches, backache....someone shoot me and put me out of my misery!! :)

In all seriousness, I did a test today and it was negative. I used a cheap Asda one which you can use up to 4 days prior to the day your period is due. (Today is 4 days before my period is due to start). Negative. I'm not disheartened (yet) because I still feel so awful! If I don't come on on Saturday I will test again. I know tests before your period is due are less reliable than regular ones. If I'm just having an unfortunate set of symptoms and I still come on this weekend, I'll be very surprised but will look forward to cracking on with the trying again.

Today I've felt sick all day. Today is the first day I've felt sick after food. Usually eating makes it go away. Today it hasn't. It's a hot day and I have a headache, so I'm being careful to drink loads of water in case that's making me feel the need to vom.

I'm sure Saturday will come round soon enough and we'll see what happens then!

When your happiness makes someone else feel sad/jealous

We've all been there at some point......an experience someone else is going through makes us feel envious, or makes us feel we wish it was us. Then we snap out of ourselves and go back to being good, supportive friends who are thrilled this brilliant thing is happening to our mates.

I've know my oldest friend for 22 years and there's rarely a day we don't text one another, even though we can go years without seeing each other. She has one child, and has been trying for another for about 2-3 years. She knows I could've died after my ectopic pregnancy, and when I told her I thought I might be pregnant, I was expecting her to be happy for me despite her own struggles as she knows how much of a toll trying to be a mum has taken on me.

Nope, didn't seem so.

I must say that before anyone thinks I should've been a bit more considerate about her feelings, I've been there through every up and down for her. I knew she was pregnant before she did and told her to have a test, which of course was positive. I also knew the baby would be a girl, and it was....I'm a bit of a witch with my predictions coming true. Her daughter is gorgeous and I love her to bits. She sang happy birthday down the phone to me last year, which was wonderful. I've been at the end of the phone for dozens of phone calls and thousands of texts as she's raved enthusiastically about the minutiae of her child's life.

When I said I thought I might be pregnant, she said "At least you can get pregnant."

Ow, that stings. I can get pregnant, but so far have a 2 for 2 strike rate of losing the damn thing - and last time I almost lost my life.

Now I feel like if I am pregnant, she won't share in my joy with me. That sucks.

I know some of the people reading this have been through/are going through struggles to conceive and I feel for every one of you, I really do, because for so many of us trying to conceive, being pregnant, having the pregnancy grow in the right place, going full term or giving birth to a live baby is a thing we've yet to experience. The more I hear about everyone's struggles, the more I believe the whole process of conception and childbirth is a miracle. Having sex is the easiest bit about it, the rest seems to rely far more on luck than biology.

If I am pregnant, that's just the beginning for me. There will be blood testing at the docs every 2 days, early scans, and shit loads of worry that I'll ever be able to carry a child to term. On top of that, I have my age and weight against me. Nothing about this is easy for me, and for someone to feel jealous of me seems ridiculous, especially taking into consideration just 3 months ago I was in a hospital bed having had a part of me removed to save my life. I'm in no position for someone to be jealous of me.

Having someone feel shit because of something that may be happening to me makes me feel terrible. Perhaps in hindsight I should've held off telling her until I am certain, but I mistakenly thought she'd be there for me like I've been there for her.

Looking promising

For the last couple of days I've had bad abdominal cramps and there's quite a lot of brown goo today when I wipe after a wee. I've also been getting low blood sugar and have still been feeling nauseous early in the mornings and when I'm hungry (the nausea has been going on for over a week now).

From www.justmommies.com: Implantation bleeding normally occurs a week to a few days before your period would normally start. (Mine is due in 7 days). Spotting that occurs around a week after ovulation (I ovulated between 7th-10th April - today is the 16th. You do the maths!) is likely implantation bleeding; whereas, spotting that occurs very close to the time that your period would normally start may not be.

I'm pretty sure we've cracked it and am kinda starting to get excited, but at the same time I'm really scared as well.

We went to get an early test from the supermarket today. They didn't have any 6 day advance tests, but they had one where you can test 4 days before you're due, and that means I can test on Wednesday.

I'll be VERY surprised if I don't see a positive result on Wednesday!

Hmmmm

I am even more of the notion I'm with child.

I was awake until past 3am last night with hideous stomach cramps. I'd taken 4 strong paracetamol in the evening and it didn't touch it. Stomach cramps=implantation pains?

This morning I feel really sick, more so than in the previous few days since I started having symptoms, and in the same pattern of things as when I was pregnant. It's a case of nausea when I'm hungry, nausea when I'm full, and nausea in the morning.

Intriguing....

I'll keep you informed.

Waiting Game

My fella and I started to try again for a baby recently. After no time at all (literally a few days after the first time we had sex with no contraception) I started to have symptoms.......you know the ones.

Nausea.
Red tinges when I wipe after a pee occasionally.
Really bad lower back ache.
Period-like cramps.

Obviously, I have to bear in mind that there could be a huge amount of wishful thinking here, but all of these symptoms are exactly the same as they were just 3 and a half months ago when I was going through them when I was pregnant. Either I'm imagining all of this and need my head examined, or there might be a bun in the oven again. My period-like cramps aren't going anywhere even after 2 strong Paracetamol.

Could I really have been lucky enough to strike it lucky the first time?! I barely dare ask the question, let alone believe it could be true.

When I was pregnant last time I started to get nauseous just a few days after we conceived - way before I had any inkling I was pregnant - and it gradually got worse. I'll be monitoring things, as it's too early to do a test yet, even one of the First Response ones you can do 6 days before. I have a wait of almost a week before I can do one of those tests.

I'm not going to mention any of this to anyone on Facebook, so if you read this you're amongst the few in the loop. If this auto-posts to Facebook, I'll delete the post ASAP. Something I can't go through again is living everything out under the spotlight again, but at the same time I need to share things or else I'll go mad.

If I turn out not to be pregnant, we'll just keep trying. If I do turn out to be pregnant, I'll still need to keep things on the down-low until 3 months are up, as I couldn't bear to become a subject of pity if everything goes to shit again.

I'll keep you informed.

Happy Mothers Day!

There's some poignancy in this.....because had fate not intervened, my baby would have been halfway there by now.

I'd have been the size of a house with ankles like thighs and I'd probably still be green around the gills from the constant nausea, my tits still would have felt like they'd been sand-papered, but I'm sure I would've been happy.

I wonder how long it takes for this slight rawness to go away, or if it ever does?

All that said, I wish a very sincere happy Mothers Day to all the mummies out there, as it is such a struggle for some people, and with all the miscarriages, ectopic pregnancies and still births in the world you do realise that carrying a baby to full term is a miracle in every way. 

Fertility is such an odd thing. I have a friend who has a 3 year old, and they've been trying almost constantly since for a brother or sister, and nothing. You might think that if you'd already been fortunate enough to have one child that the conception of further children is like falling off a log, but not so. They're doing the whole shebang - ovulation kits, going at it like jack jammers in the fertile time, but no luck. The doctors can't see anything wrong. They may end up with a very spoiled (with love) only child, and some would say that should be enough, but the heart wants what it wants.

Because of my own experience, and hearing the experiences of other people (sharing this time with people on Facebook and here has brought out SO many people struggling to conceive, and before I really had no idea) I have decided to never enquire if anyone is intending to have children, because it's such a private thing, and can be such a cause of hurt if there isn't an easy answer. No one should have to tell a virtual stranger the ins and outs of their struggles.

In a previous workplace there was a woman who enquired almost on a weekly basis if I was planning on having kids, despite being reminded every fucking time of my previous pregnancy*, hospital stay and end of pregnancy in 2003. I grew to hate the bitch, and other workmates who were present when she enquired for the nth time would joke with me afterwards echoing the stupid cow's sentiments "So, Leah - are you planning on having any kids?! You're not getting any younger, you know!"

If someone I didn't know very well asked me the same question now, I can't help but think I'd either say I planned to have babies and eat them, or that as I'm the recipient of a sex change, I'm unable. In other words they can mind their own fucking business. I'm not going to ask them what their favourite sexual position is, but it's just as invasive.

If someone brings the subject of their wanting to have kids with me, I'll happily talk about it, but I'm not going to bring the subject up as I might be causing someone unnecessary hurt. Someone who knows what's happened to me asked me yesterday if I can still have kids, and the answer is I just don't know. I'll just have to wait and see.

*This is my second ectopic pregnancy.

Work

For the last couple of weeks I've been working on new designs for our website non-stop.

I also started using the badge press again last week. Bearing in mind I hadn't made any badges at all in 7 weeks, it was a bad idea to make 100 a day 3 days running. See how good I am at understatements? I ache from head to toe physically and I'm mentally burnt out.

I know what I'm trying to do, and it's futile. I'm trying to avoid thinking, to blot out the inevitable.

Why?

Well, babies are everywhere aren't they? If they weren't we'd all be panicking about the end of the worrrrrrrld *said in mock-hysteric tones*

I love babies, and wee nippers. One day I might like one of my own, yanno :) 

Two of my friends gave birth this week.

I'm thrilled for them, especially so for Lisa, who had the pregnancy from hell. Hyperemesis, SPD, topped off with an emergency C-section. That's a woman who deserves every happiness.

So do I, one day. 

One day.

Perhaps when fate stops playing football with me? 

On another less pitiful note, James and I have decided to use condoms for the next 2 months during which we have to avoid getting me pregnant (allowing me to fully recover). I don't want to bugger up my fertility by going back on the pill for just 2 months, and have us trying to get pregnant again and for it to take ages. Time is getting on. Presuming of course I can still get pregnant. We'll see. 

The health kick is going well. It's been 4 days, so I haven't exactly had much scope to cock up yet. I'm going swimming on Wednesday. I shall be exfoliating myself half to death for the next couple of days trying to get rid of the orange peel skin so the dash from changing room to pool is slightly less hideous.

Well, less hideous than it'll be anyway as I waddle poolside and climb down the ladder like an arthritic beach ball on legs. Thank God it's going to be 7.30 am when I go swimming. Hopefully there won't be too many people in there :)

Still, I have to start somewhere, and looking at it positively, that's the worst I'll ever look on this journey :)

18 cards and an 8 inch scar

I'm the kind of person who has written since I was a small child, and sometimes I say things in jest which actually have a lot of meaning to them, when I stop to think about it.

I posted an album of photos on Facebook earlier today of all the get well/sympathy cards I got after the pregnancy went 'wrong'.

(What exactly ARE you supposed to call it in a case like this?! It wasn't a baby in medical terms, it was a foetus. Was it a death? Was it a medical abortion to save my life? Humph. Grey area).

I put all the cards away this morning after seeing someone else's scan picture, someone who's about as far along as I would've been, had all been well. I decided on the spur of the moment enough was enough and that I had to get the cards out of my sight. I wanted to photograph the cards before I put them away, probably never to be seen again.

I should explain, because it'll make what I say later on make a bit more sense. I was watching a Youtube video yesterday of my favourite actor Tom Hardy, and he was talking about Charles Bronson, the famous British criminal who Tom portrayed in the film Bronson. Tom said he was having a phone conversation with Charles, and he had just split up with his girlfriend, and he told Charles he felt like shit. Charlie said something very true, that sometimes you have to cut a bit of yourself off to protect the rest. He told Tom it might hurt like hell, but you have to do it.

I didn't know what to call the photo album. I was thinking about calling it Con Te Partiro, after one of my favourite songs (which has been sung by many people, but done best by Sarah Brightman and Andrea Bocelli, in my humble opinion) which means 'time to say goodbye'. Then I thought that sounded a bit naff and pretentious, so I thought about calling the album 'Grieving'. In the end I do what I always do when faced with a conundrum - I resort to black humour. I called the photo album 'All I have to show from being pregnant (except an 8 inch scar)' or words to that effect. It's not attention seeking, it's just the truth. No sense beating around the bush. It happened and there's no sense pretending it didn't.

There were 18 cards in the album, hence the title of this blog. It almost sounds like the title of an album, don't you think? It just goes to prove there's poetry in the bleakest of situations :)

That's what I have to show for having been pregnant. 18 cards and an 8 inch scar. Fact.

How am I feeling today? Out of sorts.

Now the Charles Bronson reference comes into play. I've had to do something on Facebook I only do when people really piss me off, and that's hide their posts from my feed so I can't see them. It makes me feel uncomfortable, but I don't want to be deleting anyone. These people I've 'hidden' haven't pissed me off, I just can't face seeing their posts at the moment. They are both women who are pregnant, and both around the same stage as I would be now (give or take 1-2 weeks). One girl posted a scan photo, and as much as I wish her every happiness, I can't be constantly reminded of what I've lost, not now. I can't bear to see at every stage what I would've been experiencing. I felt totally OK today until I saw that post, but as much as I like the girl, I can't keep being slapped in the face.

This may make me sound a hideous person, but it's just self-preservation. Imagine you found out you were pregnant at almost the same time as someone else, but all you've got left is a scar and an increased risk of further ectopic pregnancies, and the other person has a baby growing and a whole new future. Anyone else at any stage of pregnancy I'm fine with, I just can't bear to see what I should be experiencing (if fate wasn't hell bent on fucking me up). The second girl is only a couple of weeks behind the first in her pregnancy, so her scans will be coming up any time soon and I can't face that either. It's better that I stay oblivious until early September, when our baby would have been born, and then I can start to grieve over again.

There's also the feeling that people who are pregnant or who have young babies think I'm some disease they're going to catch and it feels like they're are avoiding me like the plague. One of my (previously thought of) closest friends is someone with a small child and I don't know if it's her own circumstances keeping us apart, or the fact that I can't go anywhere, but there's been almost no contact from her since everything went to hell in a hand basket. Of course, it may well be the case that she doesn't know what to say to me. There are no right or wrong words to say to me.

I don't feel like I can be there for anyone who might need me at the moment. I feel like I'm close to losing my shit (sometimes there's no better way to say it!) and I need to look after myself. Aside from this uber-public grieving, I go about things off the internet in a private way. I don't call people up when I need help, it's just not my way. I don't even call my mum when I need help. I just have to work through things on my own and I don't want to talk to anyone on the phone. If that makes me a bad person, I'm sorry, I'm just cutting off a little bit of myself to save the rest.

Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

I've always liked my French :)

Over the last couple of days I'd felt like I was doing OK. I've only been crying in bed at night instead of being an all-day-long snotfest. I've done a pretty good job of keeping myself busy, with a good book on the go, trashy day time tv and constantly working on new badge designs.

It's only when someone mentions the thing we should all have in abundance to get us through this challenging thing we call life - hope - that I realise suddenly I don't have any, and it was a shock to realise that. I'd thought I was over that. If hope was a biscuit tin, it'd be rattling, empty and vaguely reminiscent of what it used to contain. I just feel empty.

It's only been a month, and I know things will get better - they have to.

I'm just saying how I feel right now.

I'm not going to lie and say I feel enthused about trying to be a mum again. At what point does a person give up? When you've lost one fallopian tube? When you've lost both? When you've had so many miscarriages your heart would break into tiny shards if you had another? When IVF fails? When the adoption system crushes the very last bit of life out of you? When is it OK to say to people "Kindly fuck off with your optimism. I have no hope at the present time."

Some people have been through similar things - either ectopic pregnancies or multiple miscarriages. They, like me, they will terrified that they'll never be a mum. Unless you're walking in those boots you can't possibly understand what's going through my head, no matter how hard you may try. What has happened to me (and countless other women) is the kind of thing which makes people look heavenward and say "Thank fuck it wasn't me!" if we're being honest. No one would choose to go through this. I don't mean to sound pitiful (or pity-seeking) it's just a plain fact. 'Normal' women will be saying "There but for the grace of God, go I!" then get on with their days and lives. This is something I'll carry with me until the day I die.

It's ironic really that I spent so much of my life not just taking my fertility for granted, but totally not giving a shit whether I could be a mum or not. Now it's of the utmost importance to me and so many things are against me. Time is of the essence, and my own body (thus far) seems incapable of incubating a life in the right place.

I am very thankful for all the lovely words (far many more than I feel I deserve) but everyone will have to bear with me until such time that I know I can become pregnant again......although that in itself is only the first piece of the puzzle.

All this said, I know things could be so much worse. For a start, I'm very lucky to still be here to try again. I could have so easily been an obituary. People also have it so much worse than us (it's so easy in my grief to to forget James has been robbed of his chance to be a dad). I was watching a couple who had conjoined twins who were separated by surgeons only to die a month later on the local news earlier. That happened two years ago and they now have a bouncing baby boy. They had the balls to try again, just as one day I will, and their loss is so, so, so much worse than ours. So much so as to make our experience almost insignificant.

It's natural to pick up your broken pieces, put them back together when you're able and have another go at the thing you want the most. At this moment I can't say when that time will come, or even say with any conviction that it will come, but I can say that life has done nothing but kick the shit out of me in the last few years and I haven't given up yet. As my friend Lee said in an e-mail when he heard what had happened "I just wish I knew what you have done to deserve all this crap that continues to get flung at you."

It doesn't work like that though. Bad shit happens to good people every day of the year. The true grit of a person is how they deal with the crap life sends your way.

Sorry if this all a bit rambling, I've just got a lot rattling around my head.

Picture This: Anaemia & Grief

What is it about us in the Western world that makes us hide our grief away?

When something bad happens in so called 'Third World' nations, they are shown on the TV weeping and wailing openly. I used to think they were mad. Now I think they're onto something. You've gotta get that shit out before it kills you. 

Hence here's a picture of my snotty face after a good cry. 

It's not pretty but it's not the worst thing in the world either. 

I'm still anaemic after a blood transfusion and weeks on iron tablets. 

I've never been pale and interesting, I've always been ruddy faced and harassed looking!

At least I bothered to finish my eyebrows in this one:)

 Compare that to another bare-faced photo where I had a bit of colour

See, pink cheeks!

If I still resemble Casper in a few weeks I'll go to the docs and they might have to inject me.

Yesterday was a good day. I went all day without crying. I can't say every day will be like that but I'll embrace the ones that are :)

Heading down the valley

A throwaway comment I made today turns out to have a lot of truth in it.

You have to go down a lot of valleys to get to the top of the mountain. 

Yep. The way to the top of the mountain isn't straight up. You have to follow the path, wherever it takes you, even if most of it seems downhill, because it's the only way to the top.


Metaphors everywhere :) 


As I said in yesterday's blog, my mum went home yesterday afternoon. I cried all night long. I cried in bed. I'm crying now. Shit. 


I'm not even thinking about the shit that's happened to me. All I'm thinking is she's gone. It's like I'm a 5 year old again. 


She did such a good job of looking after me. 


The slightest thing sets me off. Last night as I went into the bathroom to clean my teeth before bed and saw her stuff wasn't all over the bathroom I burst into tears again. 


James has been really good today. I've been stressing out because we have a house inspection on Wednesday morning and since I got the day wrong last time and they came into a total shit hole (we'd just came back from camping and there was mess evereeeeeewhere) I really want to make a good impression this time. 

So far James has tidied the spare room and a bit of the living room. I've done everything I can at waist height in the kitchen and tidied the stuff in the sun room. It only leaves the bedroom and the living room to de-clutter and a clean in the bathroom and we'll be there, so I think we'll leave things as they are today and do some more tomorrow. James is trying so hard I'm worried about him burning out. 


I sent my brother a text earlier because I haven't heard from him since he came to see me on the day I left hospital. I said I was miserable and couldn't stop crying. He said I have to think about all the good things to come. Right now I don't think there are any. I'm the kind of person who always has to have something short term to look forward to, or else I feel down. I could SO use a holiday now but James can't take the time, we don't have the money since we're saving for the wedding, so it can't happen. I was explaining to James yesterday that it's not the rest of a holiday I need, just the change of circumstances to make life feel less shit. 


As stupid as it sounds, I can't wait to have my first period so I know things are still OK and there's a possibility I might get pregnant again. Even if I do have a period, there's no saying I won't have another ectopic. 


Despite thinking I *just* had a miscarriage in 2003, I now believe (with all my heart) I had an ectopic pregnancy then, too. I was taken into hospital because they thought I was having an ectopic pregnancy. I was pregnant but there was no pregnancy where it should have been. I had EXACTLY the same pain as with this pregnancy loss, in EXACTLY the same place. I was in there for 3 days and had been nil by mouth for 24 hours and about to have a laparoscopy to see what was going on when I was told "We're sending you home." I'd started to bleed and I guess the HCG levels in my blood had dropped enough that they thought it was safe to send me home with sod all explanation about what was happening to me. I was never told if I was having a normal miscarriage or an ectopic. It might sound shocking, but then again, that whole hospital stay was appalling from start to finish. Again, all the pain in 2003 was on my left side so it stands to reason that my left fallopian tube would be scarred and would have compromised this pregnancy. So I have a 2-for-2 record of pregnancies getting jammed up in my left side, (and a 2-for-2 record of getting pregnant and finding myself in hospital). Unlucky, or is my right side of things not working at all?! I'll see when I (hopefully) next menstruate. I don't think I should have too long to wait before I find out, it's been 3 weeks since the op now and I'm pretty sure the returning swelling to my tummy is my usual menstruation-related bladder condition which rears its head each month a week or so before I come on. 


Although I very much need to hear I CAN become pregnant again, I'm going to be terrified to try. What do I do if it happens again and I lose my right tube? I know everyone is going to say "Think positively" or "Worry about that when it happens" but I have to prepare myself for the possibility that I'm just not meant to have kids. If I *do* become pregnant again I'll be able to have an early scan at about 6 weeks and have my bloods measured every 2 days, and if it is another ectopic they should be able to use drug treatment to 'get rid' of the pregnancy and save the fallopian tube. I know I'm getting ahead of myself here, I just have to mentally prepare myself for these possibilities. I have to be strong enough to try again in the first place. 


In the meantime, I have to bear in mind that my age and my weight are against me in all respects. I need to start losing weight (and I want to do it for the wedding anyway) with the view of getting myself down to a weight sufficient that my primary care trust will give me IVF if it's necessary. If I haven't managed a 'viable' pregnancy by the time I'm 40, I feel like I may as well give up. I'm 37 in 3 months. 


I know time will tell what will happen. I may have to be a crazy old cat lady if I can't have kids.

Thank God for balsam tissues

(I pinched this picture from Google images).

Thank God for tissues with balsam or aloe vera in them.

My mum went home a couple of hours ago and I didn't even manage to get the door fully closed before I started crying. I just shut it enough so that she couldn't see me crying (I didn't want to upset her, she didn't want to leave as it was) and fell into James's arms sobbing. 

She did everything for me. She even watered my plants. She got up this morning, washed all the bedding she'd been using and hung it up to dry before I even got up. She brought me a cuppa in bed this morning because she knew it was her last chance.

If I asked her to do something, she'd either do it straight away or keep it in mind and do it a few minutes later. Because James has always got his head in the pc with his headphones on I have to ask him to do something several times and usually end up doing it myself anyway when 2 hours later I'm still waiting. 

When he is in the present (and not off killing trolls in some fabled land) he's very good. He helped me in and out of the shower this morning and dried my legs and all my toes individually. Bless! 

I feel so miserable I just can't stop crying. I'm a veritable snot factory.

I've made up two playlists on Spotify. One is called 'Smash Shit Up' and is full of Devildriver, Slipknot, Slayer and all that ilk, and the other is called 'Songs To Cry To' and is full of soppy crap which makes me want to bawl. I hope they help, since I can't jump up and down on things.

WHAT is it to grieve?

To me, grieving is a process I shall describe thus:

It's like slicing open your abdomen to bring out the things we want to keep hidden really, but we know deep down have to be aired and faced or they'll fester inside and kill us. So -almost despite ourselves - we pull out our intestines and put them on a table. We poke through the stinking mess with a pencil, unravelling yards of slippery intestines. We stare at them. We want to talk about them all the time, as if enough talking about it will make it seem real, because really we're still in shock that this thing has happened to us. After enough* time, we start to see the order of things, the way they should be pieced back together. So we shove everything back in, hoping it's going to be all right, and we patch ourselves back together as best we can, although it might be messy rather than pretty. Afterwards, we shouldn't hide the scars of it, because although we might like to forget it all happened, it did, and like it or not it shaped us in some way.



*enough? It might be weeks, years, a lifetime. No one can tell you the length of your grieving is wrong. Whatever time you need is enough.

Talking about grieving is easier than doing it though.

Future blogs about my ectopic pregnancy will be here

For anyone who comes along at any time in the future who isn't reading my other blog (where I originally posted all of the blogs listed below) here they are: the full story of my ectopic pregnancy. For anyone who's already read the following blogs, just ignore this list.

My operation

Some more hospital stuff and photos

In hospital and just after

A shopping trip too far

It's starting to sink in now

From now on I'll be blogging anything to do with the after-effects of what's happened to me on THIS blog, rather than on my main blog (here) as that is mainly for shopping and frivolous stuff (not that there will be much in the way of shopping now we're saving for the wedding!)

THIS blog page used to be titled 'Leah Mummy' but I've now changed it to 'Will I Ever Be A Mummy?' because I want it to be a place for other people in the same sort of position to find me to talk to.

Everything I have to say henceforth about the whole situation will be here, as I want my other blog to be about 'lighter', happier things.

Well, that dream has died

For any of you not aware, I lost my baby and almost lost my life on Thursday. I'm not going to go into a blow by blow account in this blog, but I will at a later date.

Long story short, I had an ectopic pregnancy. The hospital had already decided to admit me and operate (after about 12 hours of waiting around) when my fallopian tube burst and I was rushed into emergency surgery. I lost 3 litres of blood and came so close to death.

It's 4am and I've had maybe half an hours sleep. Trying to maintain comfort when your abdominal wall has been sliced through is a joke. Trying to sit up in bed, I resemble a dying fish in a bucket, flailing this way and that trying - and failing - to find a way of sitting up where it feels like my innards are NOT being scooped out with a meat hook. I have to sit bolt upright in bed or else my throat - red raw from being intubated - gives me hell and I cough endlessly, hurting my poor tummy even more. I'm currently sliding down the bed, making staying upright a battle of head and neck muscles digging into metal bedframe to try to keep me up, a stupid task but as attempting to sit up straighter or reach for something leaves me utterly spent for ages, you can see why I keep up this ridiculous pantomime. I begin to slide down the bed after approximately 10 minutes in bed and only have the strength to try to sit up about once an hour, so for the majority of the time I'm in DEEP discomfort.

My skin is so stretched full of fluid that tears and weals are appearing which leak fluid. I have them all over my back and on my bum.

I'm so fucking hot all the time. This ward is hotter than Hades. I can't even wash downstairs myself as I'm sewn up so tight I feel like I'm 3 inches shorter & my arms no longer reach. I had to get my mum to wash my front and back clefts (hehe, love that word!) today.

All in all I'm THOROUGHLY fucking miserable and can't wait to feel better. I'm sure once I feel less like microwaved death I'll start to mourn the loss of baby.

James is distraught at nearly losing me, as are all my family. I heard my dad was going to give up smoking so I could spend more pregnant time with him. It's little things like that which remind me we've ALL lost something wonderful.

A good day! Dentists & midwife

Today has been a good day.

I haven't felt tired today. Today is a sickie feeling day instead. I seem to get one or the other, which is a lot better than both at once.

I was due to have a tooth out today but the dentist decided to clean it up a bit and put a temporary filler in instead. That suited me as I wasn't too keen on having the tooth out now I know I'm pregnant. I was also booked in for a air polish and now sport super sparkly clean teeth.

Not having my tooth out left we with some spare time so I headed off to the doctors over an hour early (I would've been early anyway) and got seen early, which was nice.

The midwife was nice. I'd been dreading a lecture over my weight, but the midwife didn't say anything about it. I grabbed the bull by the horns and said "Obviously I have a big problem with my weight, and I want to minimise the damage." She said she doesn't recommend trying to diet (or maintain) during pregnancy and just to be sensible. Lots of lean meat, plenty of fruit and veg, enough calcium for baby and a small amount of carbs.

She gave me some literature to read about the scans and tests for Downs Syndrome and said she'll be in contact about the scan, which will be with her. 

All in all it was much better than I expected! I've been very happy since :)

I think this baby might be an only child ;)

My quality of sleep as I knew it has gone.

Last night I went for a pee 5 times in the night. My boobs always hurt. I'm always hot. I can't get comfortable in bed no matter how hard I try. I kept having to blow snot out of my orifices and I only had a decent sleep between 7 am and 11 am when James had gone to work and I could use the whole bed to flail around in to try to get comfortable. I went to bed at 1am so that's 6 hours of tossing and turning, getting up for a pee then trying to get comfortable after, with the occasional lucky snooze in the middle. I can't even get comfortable on my sofa any more, and that used to feel like a big leather hug.

And I know it only gets worse! Hahaha. I think my body is trying to get me used to the sleep deprivation of late pregnancy and new motherhood.

Despite all this moaning, I still want this baby. I'm just saying how it is. I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I didn't realise it'd be so hard right from the beginning.

Today I have the dentists at 2, then the midwife at 4.15. Wish me luck!

How the f*ck am I going to cope in heavy pregnancy?

I can't sleep.

Every time I lay down I can feel snot rising up my throat choking me. My throat is so sore (quite possibly from clearing it every 10 seconds) that it feels like I've gargled with razor blades. My tits feel like monkeys have been using them as a play park for the last week. They are so sore. I'm going to have to start wearing a bra in bed as every time I turn over I feel like sandpaper is being rubbed over my nipples. You could fry eggs on my tits, they're that hot, and my nipples would sizzle if I licked my fingers, I swear!! :) It's all part of the rich tapestry of pregnancy :D

I've been laying in bed trying (and failing) to get comfortable for 2 hours and have given up. There's only so much staring at the ceiling I can do. It's not like I can read in bed with James next to me. I can't even have the hall light on to navigate my way to the bedroom when I go to bed. His eyes are so sensitive to light we can't even use a night light to light the hall, even that piddly amount of light will wake him up. So if I'm really restless, there's no point staying in bed slowly going insane with boredom.

I have to wonder how the hell I'm going to cope with later pregnancy when I'm the size of a house and my tits are like the Hindenburgh in duplicate. I can only hope our new bed is more comfortable than the mattress on the floor we've been sleeping on for the last 8 months. Our old bed was SO uncomfortable (and bent up in the process of moving) that James could never face putting the bloody thing together again.

Our new bed comes on Friday and I hope (pray) it's comfortable.

I'm sipping a honey and lemon drink and hoping I feel better soon. If I don't feel sleepy soon I may have to bash myself over the head with the nearest heavy thing, which appears to be a box of Quality Street. What a way to go - death by chocolate!

At least my sense of humour is still functioning - it may be the only bit that is :)

I'm an afterthought

I hope James doesn't see this.

I'm really glad my side of the family is stoked about my pregnancy, because James's side don't really seem to give a toss. He just spoke to his mum on the phone for about 20 minutes. She asked him no end of questions about how he's doing, how his work is yadda yadda yadda ad infinitum and I thought she was going to get all the way through the call without mentioning me and the baby at all.

Almost.

Right at the end she asked how I was feeling, almost disinterestedly. I don't know if she was even listening to the reply. James wants to go there next weekend and it's going to be a strange contrast from being with my family recently who were all as pleased as punch and dead excited, to a couple who live and die in their own bubble of two.

I know different people think differently - and of course I'm going to be more excited than other people because I'm the person carrying this child - I just don't want to think that one lot of the child's grandparents couldn't give a fuck.

Maybe it's just my hormones.

Yo Yo Emotions

Friday was a really awful day for me, the worst since I've been pregnant. I was just so tired and down.

Yesterday was a better day. I felt less tired and I had my hair cut, which always perks me up. 

I have some kind of mild cold, with a very sore throat, headache and silly dry cough. Despite that, I feel much better in spirit than I did on Friday. I seem to have arrived at the weepy stage. Everything sets me off. I can have a good old cry and feel fine moments afterwards.

It was nice to put some make up on yesterday and look nice as my skin is grey and horrible. I look forward to the 'glowing' middle trimester. I also can't wait to get past the superstitious 12 week mark so we can start buying things ready for baby. 

It's only 2 days until my first midwife appointment. Scared and excited!

:(

I'm not having a good day today. I'm just so tired. I was too tired to move my lips to sing earlier. When I realised this I had a good sob. 

I know baby's doing great, the hormones just got the better of me. I felt better once I'd got it out.

I hardly ever look forward to going to bed but I can't wait to get to bed tonight 1. because I'm tired and 2. because I'm bored shitless.

I bought a swimming costume online today from Bon Prix who do cheap clothes and a cheap maternity line too. There's a link to my swimming costume here because I'm too knackered to screen shot and edit.

It's well worth a mention that Bon Prix do a plus size range as well, and many of their 'normal' lines go up to a size 28.

I can't wait for 12 weeks to start feeling human again! I've only known I'm pregnant for 10 days and it feels like a lifetime, hehe!

The darker pink line I was waiting for

My first few tests had a very faint line on them. I knew I was doing OK with the pregnancy because of the sickness and tiredness, but I just wanted to see a darker line for my own reassurance. 

Yay! That's all I wanted to see. 

I've got a real fancy for ginger ale at the moment. It must be because I know it'll help the nausea.

A letter to the 'higher power' and to the unborn baby, and some facts about week 6

Dear Higher Power (insert deity as preferred: God, Goddess, Allah, Mohammed, Mother Earth, Flying Spaghetti Monster, etc etc)

I feel a sense of calm about the baby and am enjoying making plans for the future, but there's a niggling little voice in my head telling me that every time I've ever dared to hope - that soaring hope that flies like a balloon in the wind - it all comes crashing down around my ears. Please let the little voice be wrong. I don't mind the nausea because I know then that baby bean is OK. I don't mind what happens to me as long as the baby is OK.

I've gone off a lot of junk I used to eat before, particularly crisps. I loved crisps, but I've only eaten one bag since I found out I was pregnant. I'm not driven to eat chocolate to excess either. It's like a switch has gone off in my head now I know I'm going to be a mum. I've been going for a walk every day too. I never thought I could lose weight before, but I know I can do it now. I never felt that I mattered much before, and have always put everything and everyone else before me. When I saw a hypnotherapist briefly, she quickly tuned into how I put myself last. I've been doing it so long I don't even know I'm doing it. My mum and dad split up when I was a very small kid, so I felt protective towards my mum, and I always felt protective towards my younger brother too. I've always had this overbearing sense of responsibility with regards other people, yet have always left myself out of this equation somehow.

Finally for the first time in my life I feel like I matter enough to take care of myself. I feel like the baby is going to be my new start. It'll give me a new purpose.

To my little bean: You may be about the size of a grain of rice now, but I love you so much. I can't wait to have a bump so I can cradle you. I can't wait to see you little face in a scan. I wonder who you'll look like, me or James, or a mix of both? I wonder if you'll be a firebrand like me, or more of a closed book like James?

From Askbaby.com about this stage of pregnancy:

You

You may or may not be feeling too different, however you will probably be feeling tired and maybe irritable. You may notice your breasts are bigger and tender. The hormones flooding the body to help your baby grow may mean you may begin to feel sick in the morning, though many women have 'morning sickness' during the day. You may also wee more often as your womb swells and put pressure on your bladder. Avoid certain foods like raw or undercooked meat, soft cheeses or raw or runny eggs as these may contain bugs that could harm your baby. Irritable, moi?! Hahaha. My boobs are like missiles ready to be launched. I only have nausea on a day of the week with a Y in it ;) 

Your baby

This week facial features are now beginning to appear. Folds on either side of the head mark your baby's ears and there are openings for the mouth and nostrils. The retinas of your baby's eyes are also developing. Your baby should measure about the same size as a grain of rice. Your baby's length is measured from the top of your baby's head to the bottom, known as crown-rump length. Your embryo will be visible on an ultrasound scan as a tiny blob, with distinct heart movements. The umbilical cord is now fully formed and so have the beginnings of fingers, toes and facial features. The embryo floats in a fluid-filled sac which contains all that is needed whilst the placenta is formed. Awwww!

AMAZING! 

I'm 6 weeks on Saturday.

The pregnancy grumps have arrived

Yesterday was a good day.

I went to the docs in the morning and got an appointment to see the midwife next Tuesday. I came back and parcelled up some orders ready to post, then my friend Emma rang to see if I wanted to go to lunch. She picked me up as I was really tired after the walk to the doctors and back. She brought her daughter Tiegan who's almost 3 (I think). Tiegan wanted to hold my hand the whole time, so I had some good practice for when the baby's older. She dragged me along to chase 'chickens' (pigeons) and had me running through town with her just for the fun of it. We can learn so much from the joy of children.

We also met up with another friend, Lucy, for a coffee before our lunch, and she had a friend with her who has a year old boy. They were eating lunch in a vegan cafe (we were going to a Chinese buffet afterwards, without them) and the little boy smeared food ALL over his face. It was even in his hair. That was the first time I thought "Oh, what have I done?!" I swear there was more food on him than in him. Yuk.

Today I've been grumpy ALL day except when I was out in the rain exploring and taking photos. James has pissed me off no end today. If I'm not picking up the Christmas presents I bought him from the floor where he dumped them over 10 days ago, I'm picking up his dirty clothes off the bedroom floor. Alllllll over the bedroom floor. I sent him a text message before he finished work asking him to get himself some tea on the way home because I was too tired to cook. So of course he never read the text and came home empty handed, then wondered why I had the hump with him. Sacre bleu. Then I turned the tv over for him as he'd said he wanted to watch Stargazing Live with Prof. Brian Cox, and he played Left For Dead with his headphones blaring throughout. He really wanted to see it, obviously. (His monitor faces away from the tv). Someone gimme strength.

I told him today he's going to need to start helping me once I'm heavily pregnant (and beyond). I can't continue to do EVERYTHING around here. He's been lucky to get away with being so lazy for this long. I think I'm going to have to employ lists, because he's the kind of fella who could be neck high in washing up and not have it occur to him that it needs doing. The rubbish could be maggot infested and reeking in the hall and it wouldn't occur to him to take it out. He's in his own little world, and he's even got a name for it - seriously.

He'll come good, I'll whack him into shape. He means well, I know that. I also know he just doesn't think the same way as me. If I'm going out to the postbox, I'll put the rubbish out on the way. If I'm taking my clothes off at the end of the night I put them in the wash basket, not on the floor. I don't like my clothes with a side order of spider. If I use something, I tend to put it back, not leave it in the room I took it to then spend days wondering where it is. I need to make him think like me. Mmmmm.....

A 'GRRRRRR' day

I had a really crap nights' sleep last night. James has hurt his diaphragm and back muscles from sleeping for 2 days at my dad's (my dad's spare bed has 2 mattresses on top of the other and James finds it uncomfortable) and last night he was flailing around like a dying fish all night and moaning as loudly and as frequently as he could. When I'm ill or uncomfortable I'll lay there as still as anything so as not to disturb James but he loves to share when he's having a shitty nights' sleep. When he can't sleep he punches the hell out of the pillows with scant care for my head bouncing off the bloody pillows next to him. I think I'm going to get more than my chance to 'get my own back on him' in heavy pregnancy, except rather than disturb him I'll get up and sleep on the sofa. What is it about men that they have to make everyone else suffer as well when they're pissed off?!

So I woke up feeling like hammered shit.

After pumping James full of max strength ibuprofen we decided to go into town, because I need to ready myself for going swimming to keep in shape for baba.

A day full of fail.

Firstly, you try getting a swimming costume for a plus size person anywhere in January. Hmmmph. Even though we live BY THE BLOODY SEA there were none to be found. Strike #1 for failure.

Strike #2 I was assured Specsavers do prescription swimming goggles. Blank stares all round when I asked. Fuck you universe! I've found somewhere online, all I need to do now is get my prescription from said dullards at Specsavers.

Strike #3 The swimming pool was shut so I couldn't even enquire about swimming classes.

I think the universe is trying to tell me something. Fuck swimming for the next few months, I shall just walk. At least it's free.

The tooth I had out last week means my gum is killing me. I just wish the poxy thing would heal up already instead of throbbing ominously. 

Other than the universe conspiring to ensure I do my exercise on dry land for the foreseeable future, I've been feeling nauseous and HOT HOT HOT. It's been coming over me in waves. One minute I'll be fine and the next the sweat is dripping off me. It's about -2 today but I've been in the car with my coat off and the window wide open, while James chinked gently as frozen parts of him fell off.

All the while I feel craptacular at least I know baby is doing well, so that's a relief. Today was a bank holiday so I'll be going to the docs tomorrow AM. Wish me luck that I don't see a grumpy arse GP who pisses all over my parade by moaning at me about my weight.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a cheerier day. I guess it's just events and hormones conspiring to make me feel cruddy today. I'm sure there are going to be many more 'up' days than down days.