Happy Mothers Day!

There's some poignancy in this.....because had fate not intervened, my baby would have been halfway there by now.

I'd have been the size of a house with ankles like thighs and I'd probably still be green around the gills from the constant nausea, my tits still would have felt like they'd been sand-papered, but I'm sure I would've been happy.

I wonder how long it takes for this slight rawness to go away, or if it ever does?

All that said, I wish a very sincere happy Mothers Day to all the mummies out there, as it is such a struggle for some people, and with all the miscarriages, ectopic pregnancies and still births in the world you do realise that carrying a baby to full term is a miracle in every way. 

Fertility is such an odd thing. I have a friend who has a 3 year old, and they've been trying almost constantly since for a brother or sister, and nothing. You might think that if you'd already been fortunate enough to have one child that the conception of further children is like falling off a log, but not so. They're doing the whole shebang - ovulation kits, going at it like jack jammers in the fertile time, but no luck. The doctors can't see anything wrong. They may end up with a very spoiled (with love) only child, and some would say that should be enough, but the heart wants what it wants.

Because of my own experience, and hearing the experiences of other people (sharing this time with people on Facebook and here has brought out SO many people struggling to conceive, and before I really had no idea) I have decided to never enquire if anyone is intending to have children, because it's such a private thing, and can be such a cause of hurt if there isn't an easy answer. No one should have to tell a virtual stranger the ins and outs of their struggles.

In a previous workplace there was a woman who enquired almost on a weekly basis if I was planning on having kids, despite being reminded every fucking time of my previous pregnancy*, hospital stay and end of pregnancy in 2003. I grew to hate the bitch, and other workmates who were present when she enquired for the nth time would joke with me afterwards echoing the stupid cow's sentiments "So, Leah - are you planning on having any kids?! You're not getting any younger, you know!"

If someone I didn't know very well asked me the same question now, I can't help but think I'd either say I planned to have babies and eat them, or that as I'm the recipient of a sex change, I'm unable. In other words they can mind their own fucking business. I'm not going to ask them what their favourite sexual position is, but it's just as invasive.

If someone brings the subject of their wanting to have kids with me, I'll happily talk about it, but I'm not going to bring the subject up as I might be causing someone unnecessary hurt. Someone who knows what's happened to me asked me yesterday if I can still have kids, and the answer is I just don't know. I'll just have to wait and see.

*This is my second ectopic pregnancy.