For any of you not aware, I lost my baby and almost lost my life on Thursday. I'm not going to go into a blow by blow account in this blog, but I will at a later date.
Long story short, I had an ectopic pregnancy. The hospital had already decided to admit me and operate (after about 12 hours of waiting around) when my fallopian tube burst and I was rushed into emergency surgery. I lost 3 litres of blood and came so close to death.
It's 4am and I've had maybe half an hours sleep. Trying to maintain comfort when your abdominal wall has been sliced through is a joke. Trying to sit up in bed, I resemble a dying fish in a bucket, flailing this way and that trying - and failing - to find a way of sitting up where it feels like my innards are NOT being scooped out with a meat hook. I have to sit bolt upright in bed or else my throat - red raw from being intubated - gives me hell and I cough endlessly, hurting my poor tummy even more. I'm currently sliding down the bed, making staying upright a battle of head and neck muscles digging into metal bedframe to try to keep me up, a stupid task but as attempting to sit up straighter or reach for something leaves me utterly spent for ages, you can see why I keep up this ridiculous pantomime. I begin to slide down the bed after approximately 10 minutes in bed and only have the strength to try to sit up about once an hour, so for the majority of the time I'm in DEEP discomfort.
My skin is so stretched full of fluid that tears and weals are appearing which leak fluid. I have them all over my back and on my bum.
I'm so fucking hot all the time. This ward is hotter than Hades. I can't even wash downstairs myself as I'm sewn up so tight I feel like I'm 3 inches shorter & my arms no longer reach. I had to get my mum to wash my front and back clefts (hehe, love that word!) today.
All in all I'm THOROUGHLY fucking miserable and can't wait to feel better. I'm sure once I feel less like microwaved death I'll start to mourn the loss of baby.
James is distraught at nearly losing me, as are all my family. I heard my dad was going to give up smoking so I could spend more pregnant time with him. It's little things like that which remind me we've ALL lost something wonderful.
:o( I cant even begin to imagine what youre going through, both with whats happened to your body and obviously the loss of your baby. There are no words that seem enough or fitting.
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear youre so uncomfortable and in such pain. Im hoping that when you get home and get MASSES of pillows it'll help a little bit with comfort. I can imagine you'll be sore and tender for a while yet though. The important thing is that you rest and recuperate looking after yourself physically and emotionally.
You would have left a big massive hole in an awful lot of peoples lives had anything happened to you. I'm hoping that knowledge helps a little in all of this, knowing you are so loved.
There is all the time in the world to try for a baby again if thats what you want, but for now, get yourself well.
xxx
Dearest Leah, sounds like so much physical discomfort and pain - I don't know if I'd be able to cope the way you are. Thank God for Mums and them being there to help us out in these situations, and I'm sure James will do an awesome job of looking after you at home too. We're all so happy that you're still alive. We're also all here for you when you need to let that grief out. It is such a terrible thing to lose a baby (and in the process nearly lose you too!) - Life just sucks at times but the good times, the love, laughs and giggles keep us all going. Take care and get plenty of rest. Don't go over doing it :o) Fran
ReplyDeleteI'm so happy you're gonna be ok hun, but so sad of wot you have been through :o( I cant imagine how you must be feeling, just promise me you wont give up. Things happen for a reason and sometimes happen to test us (as shitty as it can be sometimes too) but I know in my heart you WILL have the baby you want and deserve xXx
ReplyDeleteAwww Leah so glad you are home but make sure you take the time to rest and heal properly.
ReplyDeleteSome advice about when you cough, I had surgery when I was 15 and was cut from above my belly button all the way down. I was told if I had to cough or laugh to put a pillow on my tummy and press down gently. I know it sounds stupid cause you think it would hurt more but honestly it works wonders.
I am sure once you have healed you will conceive again. You would be a terrific mummy. I will continue to pray for you and James. Wishing you the fastest of recoveries.
Heather xxx