A throwaway comment I made today turns out to have a lot of truth in it.
You have to go down a lot of valleys to get to the top of the mountain.
Yep. The way to the top of the mountain isn't straight up. You have to follow the path, wherever it takes you, even if most of it seems downhill, because it's the only way to the top.
Metaphors everywhere :)
As I said in yesterday's blog, my mum went home yesterday afternoon. I cried all night long. I cried in bed. I'm crying now. Shit.
I'm not even thinking about the shit that's happened to me. All I'm thinking is she's gone. It's like I'm a 5 year old again.
She did such a good job of looking after me.
The slightest thing sets me off. Last night as I went into the bathroom to clean my teeth before bed and saw her stuff wasn't all over the bathroom I burst into tears again.
James has been really good today. I've been stressing out because we have a house inspection on Wednesday morning and since I got the day wrong last time and they came into a total shit hole (we'd just came back from camping and there was mess evereeeeeewhere) I really want to make a good impression this time.
So far James has tidied the spare room and a bit of the living room. I've done everything I can at waist height in the kitchen and tidied the stuff in the sun room. It only leaves the bedroom and the living room to de-clutter and a clean in the bathroom and we'll be there, so I think we'll leave things as they are today and do some more tomorrow. James is trying so hard I'm worried about him burning out.
I sent my brother a text earlier because I haven't heard from him since he came to see me on the day I left hospital. I said I was miserable and couldn't stop crying. He said I have to think about all the good things to come. Right now I don't think there are any. I'm the kind of person who always has to have something short term to look forward to, or else I feel down. I could SO use a holiday now but James can't take the time, we don't have the money since we're saving for the wedding, so it can't happen. I was explaining to James yesterday that it's not the rest of a holiday I need, just the change of circumstances to make life feel less shit.
As stupid as it sounds, I can't wait to have my first period so I know things are still OK and there's a possibility I might get pregnant again. Even if I do have a period, there's no saying I won't have another ectopic.
Despite thinking I *just* had a miscarriage in 2003, I now believe (with all my heart) I had an ectopic pregnancy then, too. I was taken into hospital because they thought I was having an ectopic pregnancy. I was pregnant but there was no pregnancy where it should have been. I had EXACTLY the same pain as with this pregnancy loss, in EXACTLY the same place. I was in there for 3 days and had been nil by mouth for 24 hours and about to have a laparoscopy to see what was going on when I was told "We're sending you home." I'd started to bleed and I guess the HCG levels in my blood had dropped enough that they thought it was safe to send me home with sod all explanation about what was happening to me. I was never told if I was having a normal miscarriage or an ectopic. It might sound shocking, but then again, that whole hospital stay was appalling from start to finish. Again, all the pain in 2003 was on my left side so it stands to reason that my left fallopian tube would be scarred and would have compromised this pregnancy. So I have a 2-for-2 record of pregnancies getting jammed up in my left side, (and a 2-for-2 record of getting pregnant and finding myself in hospital). Unlucky, or is my right side of things not working at all?! I'll see when I (hopefully) next menstruate. I don't think I should have too long to wait before I find out, it's been 3 weeks since the op now and I'm pretty sure the returning swelling to my tummy is my usual menstruation-related bladder condition which rears its head each month a week or so before I come on.
Although I very much need to hear I CAN become pregnant again, I'm going to be terrified to try. What do I do if it happens again and I lose my right tube? I know everyone is going to say "Think positively" or "Worry about that when it happens" but I have to prepare myself for the possibility that I'm just not meant to have kids. If I *do* become pregnant again I'll be able to have an early scan at about 6 weeks and have my bloods measured every 2 days, and if it is another ectopic they should be able to use drug treatment to 'get rid' of the pregnancy and save the fallopian tube. I know I'm getting ahead of myself here, I just have to mentally prepare myself for these possibilities. I have to be strong enough to try again in the first place.
In the meantime, I have to bear in mind that my age and my weight are against me in all respects. I need to start losing weight (and I want to do it for the wedding anyway) with the view of getting myself down to a weight sufficient that my primary care trust will give me IVF if it's necessary. If I haven't managed a 'viable' pregnancy by the time I'm 40, I feel like I may as well give up. I'm 37 in 3 months.
I know time will tell what will happen. I may have to be a crazy old cat lady if I can't have kids.
