A throwaway comment I made today turns out to have a lot of truth in it.
You have to go down a lot of valleys to get to the top of the mountain.
Yep. The way to the top of the mountain isn't straight up. You have to follow the path, wherever it takes you, even if most of it seems downhill, because it's the only way to the top.
Metaphors everywhere :)
As I said in yesterday's blog, my mum went home yesterday afternoon. I cried all night long. I cried in bed. I'm crying now. Shit.
I'm not even thinking about the shit that's happened to me. All I'm thinking is she's gone. It's like I'm a 5 year old again.
She did such a good job of looking after me.
The slightest thing sets me off. Last night as I went into the bathroom to clean my teeth before bed and saw her stuff wasn't all over the bathroom I burst into tears again.
James has been really good today. I've been stressing out because we have a house inspection on Wednesday morning and since I got the day wrong last time and they came into a total shit hole (we'd just came back from camping and there was mess evereeeeeewhere) I really want to make a good impression this time.
So far James has tidied the spare room and a bit of the living room. I've done everything I can at waist height in the kitchen and tidied the stuff in the sun room. It only leaves the bedroom and the living room to de-clutter and a clean in the bathroom and we'll be there, so I think we'll leave things as they are today and do some more tomorrow. James is trying so hard I'm worried about him burning out.
I sent my brother a text earlier because I haven't heard from him since he came to see me on the day I left hospital. I said I was miserable and couldn't stop crying. He said I have to think about all the good things to come. Right now I don't think there are any. I'm the kind of person who always has to have something short term to look forward to, or else I feel down. I could SO use a holiday now but James can't take the time, we don't have the money since we're saving for the wedding, so it can't happen. I was explaining to James yesterday that it's not the rest of a holiday I need, just the change of circumstances to make life feel less shit.
As stupid as it sounds, I can't wait to have my first period so I know things are still OK and there's a possibility I might get pregnant again. Even if I do have a period, there's no saying I won't have another ectopic.
Despite thinking I *just* had a miscarriage in 2003, I now believe (with all my heart) I had an ectopic pregnancy then, too. I was taken into hospital because they thought I was having an ectopic pregnancy. I was pregnant but there was no pregnancy where it should have been. I had EXACTLY the same pain as with this pregnancy loss, in EXACTLY the same place. I was in there for 3 days and had been nil by mouth for 24 hours and about to have a laparoscopy to see what was going on when I was told "We're sending you home." I'd started to bleed and I guess the HCG levels in my blood had dropped enough that they thought it was safe to send me home with sod all explanation about what was happening to me. I was never told if I was having a normal miscarriage or an ectopic. It might sound shocking, but then again, that whole hospital stay was appalling from start to finish. Again, all the pain in 2003 was on my left side so it stands to reason that my left fallopian tube would be scarred and would have compromised this pregnancy. So I have a 2-for-2 record of pregnancies getting jammed up in my left side, (and a 2-for-2 record of getting pregnant and finding myself in hospital). Unlucky, or is my right side of things not working at all?! I'll see when I (hopefully) next menstruate. I don't think I should have too long to wait before I find out, it's been 3 weeks since the op now and I'm pretty sure the returning swelling to my tummy is my usual menstruation-related bladder condition which rears its head each month a week or so before I come on.
Although I very much need to hear I CAN become pregnant again, I'm going to be terrified to try. What do I do if it happens again and I lose my right tube? I know everyone is going to say "Think positively" or "Worry about that when it happens" but I have to prepare myself for the possibility that I'm just not meant to have kids. If I *do* become pregnant again I'll be able to have an early scan at about 6 weeks and have my bloods measured every 2 days, and if it is another ectopic they should be able to use drug treatment to 'get rid' of the pregnancy and save the fallopian tube. I know I'm getting ahead of myself here, I just have to mentally prepare myself for these possibilities. I have to be strong enough to try again in the first place.
In the meantime, I have to bear in mind that my age and my weight are against me in all respects. I need to start losing weight (and I want to do it for the wedding anyway) with the view of getting myself down to a weight sufficient that my primary care trust will give me IVF if it's necessary. If I haven't managed a 'viable' pregnancy by the time I'm 40, I feel like I may as well give up. I'm 37 in 3 months.
I know time will tell what will happen. I may have to be a crazy old cat lady if I can't have kids.
Awwwww take things one day at a time hun, there's no point worrying bout summet until it happens all you're gonna do is end up stressing yourself out which will effect your hormones anywayz. Try and stay positive and remember you CAN do this :o) xXx
ReplyDeleteDon't worry and take one day at a time. Once you have your period or if no period in a couple of months go to the doctors and they'll start doing blood tests to look at your hormone levels. Me and hubby have had our first rounds of tests done and they can't see any reason for our lack of pregnancies (and couple of miscarriages). So now I'm on waiting list so they can start looking at other issues. I'm busy trying to lose a bit of weight and doing more exercise but I'm not sure it will make any difference.
ReplyDeleteIn your case, first things first - get yourself well and then once you are feeling up to baby making - if you do feel that its taking too long, go chase it up with your doctor. You may need some help (and it might not be IVF) but the sooner you go see them, the better. I feel I should have gone seen the doctor about 6 months earlier but nowt I can do about that now. We're probably going to give it a couple of years (till I'm 39?) and then try for adoption (which we may do anyway - we're not hung up on having a newborn or toddler and there are lots of kids in need out there).
I'm always telling myself I have time and trying not to get too depressed about it (easier said than done)....even though my best friend at work had her first at 39 and her second at 42.....and guess what she is overweight!
Take care and a big hug from Canada, from Fran x
I'm the kind of person, Kelly, who has to plan a million possibilities so I'm equipped to deal with whatever comes my way. By talking things out loud like this it helps my process things.
ReplyDeleteI know you've had a shitty time of it Fran and I wish you all the best in your quest to be a mum :) I'm glad you're on the waiting list for help. I will go to the docs if I haven't had a 'monthly' in a couple of months.
I think we might start trying again around May or June. All the docs say is you have to have one bleed before going back on contraception, 2 clear months on it then try again. I'm thinking of trying again in May or June so we have time to potentially pop a sprog out before we get married. I'd rather not be married whilst with child, but if I become pregnant I'm sure I won't care a damn about that! :)
x x x
I know exactly where youre coming from with wanting to get yourself prepared for anything that may happen, even worst case scenarios. Im exactly the same. That way I always say I will not get a nasty shock but rather a pleasant surprise if things go well. Others may see it as needlessly worrying or negative thinking but I know where youre coming from hun. Its also sensible to get some options in your mind.
ReplyDeleteWhen you mentioned the previous pregnancy having similar pain in the same place, I have thought ever since that this pregnancy failed due to scarring on the right tube. Hopefully this means, next time there will be nothing to hinder you getting pregnant or it going wrong. Also you have been able to get pregnant when youve tried, so hopefully you'll not have problems there.
3 years is a long time as well to give yourself to have a child. Just think back 3 years ago and how much in your life is different from then. How many people have come and went. his time next year you could be with child :o).
Concentrate on your wedding and getting well. These things have a habit of happening when you least expect it. There should be no reason this horrid experience should happen again if you start your periods ok. Its understandably an anxious time, but you''ve hopefully got a better chance of conceiving and carrying a baby in a future pregnancy than you had before you got pregnant in December. You just didn't know it then.
I'll be keeping everything possible crossed for you that it will happen for you.
Remember its not been long since this horrible thing happened and it will take you time to feel ready emotionally and physically to try again or even to feel as close to 'normal' as you can, so don't rush yourself to be in a place anyone else feels you should be in.
xxx
Thanks Lis for your sensible words, as ever. 3 years feels like a lifetime away, I agree. The last 3 weeks have gone in a flash yet felt like an eternity at the same time so I know so much can happen in the next few years.
ReplyDeleteI'm not really thinking further than day to day for much of the time. I get my ruminating done here then get on with the business of avoiding pain :) It's only when I sit down to write that I address the things niggling me, like does James even want to marry someone who might be barren? We haven't discussed it yet but might need to.
I know it's early days yet and in another 3 weeks I'll probably look back on these entries and think "Thank fuck that time is over!"
I've overstretched myself today. Washing up and a bit of tidying around (even at waist height) has left me very sore, so it's a good reminder of how far I have to go yet and how kind I have to be to myself.
x x x