I'm the kind of person who has written since I was a small child, and sometimes I say things in jest which actually have a lot of meaning to them, when I stop to think about it.
I posted an album of photos on Facebook earlier today of all the get well/sympathy cards I got after the pregnancy went 'wrong'.
(What exactly ARE you supposed to call it in a case like this?! It wasn't a baby in medical terms, it was a foetus. Was it a death? Was it a medical abortion to save my life? Humph. Grey area).
I put all the cards away this morning after seeing someone else's scan picture, someone who's about as far along as I would've been, had all been well. I decided on the spur of the moment enough was enough and that I had to get the cards out of my sight. I wanted to photograph the cards before I put them away, probably never to be seen again.
I should explain, because it'll make what I say later on make a bit more sense. I was watching a Youtube video yesterday of my favourite actor Tom Hardy, and he was talking about Charles Bronson, the famous British criminal who Tom portrayed in the film Bronson. Tom said he was having a phone conversation with Charles, and he had just split up with his girlfriend, and he told Charles he felt like shit. Charlie said something very true, that sometimes you have to cut a bit of yourself off to protect the rest. He told Tom it might hurt like hell, but you have to do it.
I didn't know what to call the photo album. I was thinking about calling it Con Te Partiro, after one of my favourite songs (which has been sung by many people, but done best by Sarah Brightman and Andrea Bocelli, in my humble opinion) which means 'time to say goodbye'. Then I thought that sounded a bit naff and pretentious, so I thought about calling the album 'Grieving'. In the end I do what I always do when faced with a conundrum - I resort to black humour. I called the photo album 'All I have to show from being pregnant (except an 8 inch scar)' or words to that effect. It's not attention seeking, it's just the truth. No sense beating around the bush. It happened and there's no sense pretending it didn't.
There were 18 cards in the album, hence the title of this blog. It almost sounds like the title of an album, don't you think? It just goes to prove there's poetry in the bleakest of situations :)
That's what I have to show for having been pregnant. 18 cards and an 8 inch scar. Fact.
How am I feeling today? Out of sorts.
Now the Charles Bronson reference comes into play. I've had to do something on Facebook I only do when people really piss me off, and that's hide their posts from my feed so I can't see them. It makes me feel uncomfortable, but I don't want to be deleting anyone. These people I've 'hidden' haven't pissed me off, I just can't face seeing their posts at the moment. They are both women who are pregnant, and both around the same stage as I would be now (give or take 1-2 weeks). One girl posted a scan photo, and as much as I wish her every happiness, I can't be constantly reminded of what I've lost, not now. I can't bear to see at every stage what I would've been experiencing. I felt totally OK today until I saw that post, but as much as I like the girl, I can't keep being slapped in the face.
This may make me sound a hideous person, but it's just self-preservation. Imagine you found out you were pregnant at almost the same time as someone else, but all you've got left is a scar and an increased risk of further ectopic pregnancies, and the other person has a baby growing and a whole new future. Anyone else at any stage of pregnancy I'm fine with, I just can't bear to see what I should be experiencing (if fate wasn't hell bent on fucking me up). The second girl is only a couple of weeks behind the first in her pregnancy, so her scans will be coming up any time soon and I can't face that either. It's better that I stay oblivious until early September, when our baby would have been born, and then I can start to grieve over again.
There's also the feeling that people who are pregnant or who have young babies think I'm some disease they're going to catch and it feels like they're are avoiding me like the plague. One of my (previously thought of) closest friends is someone with a small child and I don't know if it's her own circumstances keeping us apart, or the fact that I can't go anywhere, but there's been almost no contact from her since everything went to hell in a hand basket. Of course, it may well be the case that she doesn't know what to say to me. There are no right or wrong words to say to me.
I don't feel like I can be there for anyone who might need me at the moment. I feel like I'm close to losing my shit (sometimes there's no better way to say it!) and I need to look after myself. Aside from this uber-public grieving, I go about things off the internet in a private way. I don't call people up when I need help, it's just not my way. I don't even call my mum when I need help. I just have to work through things on my own and I don't want to talk to anyone on the phone. If that makes me a bad person, I'm sorry, I'm just cutting off a little bit of myself to save the rest.
Awwww you're bound to feel like that at the moment hun it's only natural. When I thought I was preggars and then found out I wasn't it pissed me off seeing babies this babies that everywhere I went so I can only begin to imagine how it must be for you. At least you have the chance to try again hun, some peeps who have ectopics sometimes have to have the whole lot taken away which must be such a horrible feeling to know you're never ever gonna be able to have your own baby. Try and stay positive that things will work out right in the end hun, but take all the time you need in getting there. Even in our darkest times there is always a light at the end of the tunnel xXx
ReplyDeleteI avoided facebook entirely for at least 9 months after I lost mine - it was really hard to be happy for others who were expecting....also, my sister became pregnant during this time and kept it secret from me for about 6 months! really annoyed me - she said she was afraid I would be even more upset if she miscarried too (...so why didn't she tell me at 3 months?!) Anyway, enough of that she is a complete fruitcase so I try not to expect too much from her :P OK, rant over - I'm here for you Leah and will happily read anything that you want to write about :) xoxo Fran
ReplyDeleteKelly, I know EXACTLY what you mean.
ReplyDeleteThe first shopping trip I did, guess what was THE first thing I saw? A massive display of baby products. Literally pallets of stuff dumped by the front door and half of a whole aisle as we walked in. Oh, the irony.
I have a much greater chance of having further ectopics now Kelly. IF I'm lucky enough to get pregnant again I'm going to need monitoring closely. If it happens again, I don't know what I'll do but I'll cross that bridge if I come to it.
I'm just waiting on my next period to make sure I'm OK in that respect. I'm going to do an ovulation kit tomorrow as I think from my foul mood and hideous bloating that there may be a period afoot. That'll be a comfort (and a little bit odd, I haven't had a period for 3 months!) At least I'll know I'm still fertile.
That's good to hear in a way, Fran. Not that you had to avoid things for 9 months - that sucks - but because I'm not a hideous human being for feeling the way I do. Aww, your sister, the silly sausage! :) I'm thrilled for anyone who gets pregnant but I desperately need NOT to be reminded of the stage I would be at now if things had turned out differently. I know how many weeks I'd be now, because I haven't unsubscribed from all the baby emails I signed up to. As much as they are hurtful, at the same time I don't want to forget how far along I should be now. The scans are a step too far though :/
Thanks lovely ladies x x x
You do what you need to do to help you through this time hun. No-one would think any worse of you for it. Im sure your friends who'd feeds you had to hide would understand, and just as you wouldn't want them to feel they had to hide their pregnancies, they wouldn't want their posts to cause you upset, so what you did makes perfect sense.
ReplyDeleteIts ironicly always the case in life than when something is paramount in our lives its everywhere. Every shite experience you can have in life, when you're going through it, reminders are everywhere.
Its sad to hear about your friend being absent in your life right now, I can only imagine you're right and she just doesn't know what to say. Maybe she thinks it hurts too much for you to contact her as well? Maybe send a little email asking how she is and that could start the ball rolling.
You have an awful lot of people stood behind you willing you on through this experience and to the place you want to be so badly. If its a question of will and sheer dogged determination, I have NO DOUBT you will get there.
xxx
Yes, I'm sure they would rather me not see their posts than delete them - not that I would - because the last thing I want to do is go round upsetting pregnant ladies.
ReplyDeleteIt's always the way, isn't it? I remember when I had an accident with my knee 20 years ago and was in loads of pain and could barely walk, and my brother commented that he was seeing people on crutches everywhere (which was ironic because the hospital treated me terribly and I had no crutches, hence his comment!) It kind of goes to show the great human ability to miss things that other people go through every day, until something happens to us, in which case we seem to be a magnet for it and see things to do with it everywhere we go.
I've recently found out it's not just me being avoided, so in a strange way I feel better now. I hated the thought of people avoiding me or pitying me because of this. I think this person's own change of circumstances has as much to do with it as anything else. Change sucks sometimes, it's not easy to deal with and we all deal with it in our own way, I guess. I'll ask how she is soon.
Thanks :) It's either slog on or give up and I ain't giving up!
I've decided to have a tattoo to mark this whole time. I know what I want and where I want it and I'm going to ask my family for money towards it for my birthday. I want a heart shaped lock and key on my wrist. Have you ever seen those old silver guns with mother of pearl grips which are intricately engraved? (See here: http://bit.ly/fIS5Gr) I want that kind of engraved detail on the lock and key, in black and grey. I want a date on the lock, and a date on the key (the day I nearly died and the day the baby would've been born on) in Roman numerals, hidden in plain sight, so to speak. It's all about the symbolism of locking it away to survive, yet opening it all up to air it when needs be.
x x x
I am so glad you have this outlet...this place to share your feelings and get it all out. I hope you'll save this to look back on later. I really wish I had written after my miscarriage.
ReplyDeleteAgain, it's not the same as your situation, but when I miscarried, I had to go see my OB/GYN the next working day to make sure I actually was pregnant and not just imagining it. (I was.) I remember sitting in that waiting room, surrounded by pregnancy magazines and women who were visibly pregnant, wondering if this was some kind of horrible torture. Still to this day, I think about it. If I'd had that baby, he/she would now be 8 and a half years old...so I see 8 year olds and think about that. It has weakened over time, but that pain is still there.
I will save it. This blog is going to be here as long as it takes me to be a mum, or for as long as I keep trying. I just hope ladies going through the same thing can find this and see someone else has been through the same thing (IS going through the same thing).
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear about your miscarriage. My first one would have been 7 now, and my life would be so different now, as would yours.
Mostly I think everything happens for a reason, but sometimes I would question why any higher power would throw these things at us.