The more things change, the more they stay the same.
I've always liked my French :)
Over the last couple of days I'd felt like I was doing OK. I've only been crying in bed at night instead of being an all-day-long snotfest. I've done a pretty good job of keeping myself busy, with a good book on the go, trashy day time tv and constantly working on new badge designs.
It's only when someone mentions the thing we should all have in abundance to get us through this challenging thing we call life - hope - that I realise suddenly I don't have any, and it was a shock to realise that. I'd thought I was over that. If hope was a biscuit tin, it'd be rattling, empty and vaguely reminiscent of what it used to contain. I just feel empty.
It's only been a month, and I know things will get better - they have to.
I'm just saying how I feel right now.
I'm not going to lie and say I feel enthused about trying to be a mum again. At what point does a person give up? When you've lost one fallopian tube? When you've lost both? When you've had so many miscarriages your heart would break into tiny shards if you had another? When IVF fails? When the adoption system crushes the very last bit of life out of you? When is it OK to say to people "Kindly fuck off with your optimism. I have no hope at the present time."
Some people have been through similar things - either ectopic pregnancies or multiple miscarriages. They, like me, they will terrified that they'll never be a mum. Unless you're walking in those boots you can't possibly understand what's going through my head, no matter how hard you may try. What has happened to me (and countless other women) is the kind of thing which makes people look heavenward and say "Thank fuck it wasn't me!" if we're being honest. No one would choose to go through this. I don't mean to sound pitiful (or pity-seeking) it's just a plain fact. 'Normal' women will be saying "There but for the grace of God, go I!" then get on with their days and lives. This is something I'll carry with me until the day I die.
It's ironic really that I spent so much of my life not just taking my fertility for granted, but totally not giving a shit whether I could be a mum or not. Now it's of the utmost importance to me and so many things are against me. Time is of the essence, and my own body (thus far) seems incapable of incubating a life in the right place.
I am very thankful for all the lovely words (far many more than I feel I deserve) but everyone will have to bear with me until such time that I know I can become pregnant again......although that in itself is only the first piece of the puzzle.
All this said, I know things could be so much worse. For a start, I'm very lucky to still be here to try again. I could have so easily been an obituary. People also have it so much worse than us (it's so easy in my grief to to forget James has been robbed of his chance to be a dad). I was watching a couple who had conjoined twins who were separated by surgeons only to die a month later on the local news earlier. That happened two years ago and they now have a bouncing baby boy. They had the balls to try again, just as one day I will, and their loss is so, so, so much worse than ours. So much so as to make our experience almost insignificant.
It's natural to pick up your broken pieces, put them back together when you're able and have another go at the thing you want the most. At this moment I can't say when that time will come, or even say with any conviction that it will come, but I can say that life has done nothing but kick the shit out of me in the last few years and I haven't given up yet. As my friend Lee said in an e-mail when he heard what had happened "I just wish I knew what you have done to deserve all this crap that continues to get flung at you."
It doesn't work like that though. Bad shit happens to good people every day of the year. The true grit of a person is how they deal with the crap life sends your way.
Sorry if this all a bit rambling, I've just got a lot rattling around my head.
What to say... you're so right, no-one can every understand this unless they've been there and you're also right that most women look skyward and think 'Thank god it wasn't me'.
ReplyDeleteI imagined how I'd feel if I lost my baby now and I don't know how I'd cope. I honestly feel if that happened to me, I wouldn't be strong enough to try again. I greatly admire your courage and determination.
The bit about shite happening to good people is so try as well. When I look at some of the stuff thats happened to some very good people I know in life my mind boggles, while some sad sorry pieces of shit drift through life unchallenged.
You've definately been challenged in life, maybe the powers that be realise some people are strong enough to cope with this and some are not. It would be nice to be granted a break now and again though, I'm sure you're getting to that point!
It easy to look around and say there are a lot more people a lot more worse off (Ive done that often enough in life) but it doesnt detract from the fact there are a lot of people not going through the shite you are and other peoples lives dont make you feel any better.
I find it so hard to think of what to say sometimes as it doesn't feel enough. I haven't been where you are or felt what you are feeling so anything I say, feels small to me. I do however know one thing for sure.... if anyone is strong enough to get out the other side, you are.
Awww thanks hon :) :)
ReplyDeleteSometimes I think that I wouldn't be lumbered with all this crap if I couldn't take it, but I think I 'get' that I'm a tough old broad now and I'm not sure I can keep fending off 'the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune' as Mr Billy Shakespeare put it ;)
I'm not sure what the life lesson is here, other than that if we are lucky enough to be parents that the kid will be loved to pieces. Maybe it's a way of making sure I reaaaaaaally want to be a mum, although I thought I already wanted it enough.
Just knowing you care is enough. It was very touching when a couple of weeks after I came out of hospital when I felt strong enough to look at all the messages and wall posts on Facebook to see how much love there was there. Most people don't get to hear that kind of stuff, as it all comes out once you're dead and it's too late to matter. I've often thought so many people could be saved from suicide or abusing themselves to death with drink and drugs if they only knew how people really feel about them.
I was a bit down when I wrote this but I feel a bit better today :)