To me, grieving is a process I shall describe thus:
It's like slicing open your abdomen to bring out the things we want to keep hidden really, but we know deep down have to be aired and faced or they'll fester inside and kill us. So -almost despite ourselves - we pull out our intestines and put them on a table. We poke through the stinking mess with a pencil, unravelling yards of slippery intestines. We stare at them. We want to talk about them all the time, as if enough talking about it will make it seem real, because really we're still in shock that this thing has happened to us. After enough* time, we start to see the order of things, the way they should be pieced back together. So we shove everything back in, hoping it's going to be all right, and we patch ourselves back together as best we can, although it might be messy rather than pretty. Afterwards, we shouldn't hide the scars of it, because although we might like to forget it all happened, it did, and like it or not it shaped us in some way.
*enough? It might be weeks, years, a lifetime. No one can tell you the length of your grieving is wrong. Whatever time you need is enough.
Talking about grieving is easier than doing it though.
Very true hun and a very apt description of grief. Sometimes actually looking at it on the table like you said is much harder than stuffing it all back in and ignoring it. People often think that those who keep it all inside are the strong ones, but I disagree. Its much harder to be honest and raw about it, talk about how youre feeling and allowing yourself to 'feel'. Thats the hardest part.
ReplyDeleteHow do we ever move past something in life which causes us grief if we don't examine it and talk about it. It never goes away, we just learn a way to deal with it that works for us.
Also youre so right about how long is enough... its different for everyone and only you will know what is right for you.
I wish there was something I / We could do to help you, but all we can do is be here if you need someone to rant to, vent or get it out.
xxx
Thanks hon. I've joined an ectopic pregnancy forum and I'm hoping they can help me out with what to expect in the coming months :)
ReplyDeleteEveryone has been so kind, it's been lovely x x x