I'm not going to pray

It didn't do me any good last time to plead silently in the night with the higher power (call it what you want), so I'm not going to start now. Last night when I was too afraid to go to sleep in case I didn't wake up* I found myself close to begging for all to be well, but stopped myself. Hoping and praying doesn't work. Whatever is going to happen will happen whether or not I cast requests for help and positivity into the ether.

So here I am, 5 days late, nauseous as ever, with breaking back, greasy skin, spotty face, fatigue, slightly sore ta-ta's, and yet another negative test telling me I'm deluded. Last time I had all these symptoms and a positive result. This time I have the symptoms and no test result to reassure, not that being pregnant is any assurance for someone who's had ectopic pregnancies. I should be entirely disheartened, but I'm not totally without hope, and even as I say that I feel a fool. I feel a fool to hope, because hope has been no friend of mine thus far.

Being sure of something against all evidence is a sign of madness or blind faith, and I'm not sure what the cause of mine is. However, my body is telling me something is not right within. 

I take some reassurance from the women I see on forums who had symptoms but didn't get a positive test until they were a week late,  2 weeks late, 6 weeks late, 7 weeks late, 4 months late.....although by that point I think I would've asked for an ultrasound! :) I know it's very early days for me to get upset about it. It wouldn't be so bad if I hadn't felt pregnant for over 3 weeks by this point. The stress is so bad I think I'd almost rather come on to be rid of the stress. James is worried sick.

Do I trust this tiny sliver of hope inside me? Do I believe the symptoms I'm getting? Or do I start to worry that I'm going insane?

If I can, I'm going to avoid testing for another week and see if my symptoms persist or if I come on. I'll carry on taking my folic acid, avoiding booze, raw eggs, soft cheese, pate and all that jazz just in case.

*I had diarrhoea yesterday, which can be a sign of ectopic pregnancy. I had diarrhoea the day before my tube burst, so I got into an almighty panic and wrote James a note in case I didn't wake up. Also, I had some twinges in my left side, but I think they're psychosomatic, as every time I think about my op I get twinges there, and besides, I have no left tube.