Fuuuuuuuck

I went to bed last night feeling nauseous and woke up this morning bleeding - WTF?!

I *was* going to go to the docs this morning as I would've been 12 days late today, but when I got up at 7am to get ready and went for a wee there was a little brown blood when I wiped. I went back to bed as I thought there's no point going to the doctors now. I had cramping all day yesterday with no bleeding, so at first I wasn't too worried.

When I got up some hours later (I've been sooo tired lately) I expected to see a pad smothered in blood, but there was nothing, but throughout this afternoon the blood has got redder and heavier. Some light bleeding can be expected in early pregnancy, but not this much, surely? So I think that's that. I've got a lot of cramping, more on the side where I have no tube for some stupid reason, but I guess everything is still inflamed from the op.

I have no plans to go to the hospital to find out if I'm having a miscarriage (unless the pain worsens). I think it's best if I never know one way or the other whether I was just late, or have lost a bean, but you all know my suspicions.

I'm sad, fucked off and miserable and I'd bloody well better bleed for a full 5 days so I can put this behind me without any more worry.

Yes, we can try again and yes I can enjoy a cheeky Pimms or two now, but it doesn't stop me being incredibly fucked off. I'll bounce back - what other choice do I have?!

I think this baby might be an only child ;)

My quality of sleep as I knew it has gone.

Last night I went for a pee 5 times in the night. My boobs always hurt. I'm always hot. I can't get comfortable in bed no matter how hard I try. I kept having to blow snot out of my orifices and I only had a decent sleep between 7 am and 11 am when James had gone to work and I could use the whole bed to flail around in to try to get comfortable. I went to bed at 1am so that's 6 hours of tossing and turning, getting up for a pee then trying to get comfortable after, with the occasional lucky snooze in the middle. I can't even get comfortable on my sofa any more, and that used to feel like a big leather hug.

And I know it only gets worse! Hahaha. I think my body is trying to get me used to the sleep deprivation of late pregnancy and new motherhood.

Despite all this moaning, I still want this baby. I'm just saying how it is. I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I didn't realise it'd be so hard right from the beginning.

Today I have the dentists at 2, then the midwife at 4.15. Wish me luck!