It didn't do me any good last time to plead silently in the night with the higher power (call it what you want), so I'm not going to start now. Last night when I was too afraid to go to sleep in case I didn't wake up* I found myself close to begging for all to be well, but stopped myself. Hoping and praying doesn't work. Whatever is going to happen will happen whether or not I cast requests for help and positivity into the ether.
So here I am, 5 days late, nauseous as ever, with breaking back, greasy skin, spotty face, fatigue, slightly sore ta-ta's, and yet another negative test telling me I'm deluded. Last time I had all these symptoms and a positive result. This time I have the symptoms and no test result to reassure, not that being pregnant is any assurance for someone who's had ectopic pregnancies. I should be entirely disheartened, but I'm not totally without hope, and even as I say that I feel a fool. I feel a fool to hope, because hope has been no friend of mine thus far.
Being sure of something against all evidence is a sign of madness or blind faith, and I'm not sure what the cause of mine is. However, my body is telling me something is not right within.
I take some reassurance from the women I see on forums who had symptoms but didn't get a positive test until they were a week late, 2 weeks late, 6 weeks late, 7 weeks late, 4 months late.....although by that point I think I would've asked for an ultrasound! :) I know it's very early days for me to get upset about it. It wouldn't be so bad if I hadn't felt pregnant for over 3 weeks by this point. The stress is so bad I think I'd almost rather come on to be rid of the stress. James is worried sick.
Do I trust this tiny sliver of hope inside me? Do I believe the symptoms I'm getting? Or do I start to worry that I'm going insane?
If I can, I'm going to avoid testing for another week and see if my symptoms persist or if I come on. I'll carry on taking my folic acid, avoiding booze, raw eggs, soft cheese, pate and all that jazz just in case.
*I had diarrhoea yesterday, which can be a sign of ectopic pregnancy. I had diarrhoea the day before my tube burst, so I got into an almighty panic and wrote James a note in case I didn't wake up. Also, I had some twinges in my left side, but I think they're psychosomatic, as every time I think about my op I get twinges there, and besides, I have no left tube.
Hi Leah, I know the symptoms all seem like pregnancy (hopefully not ectopic) - just wanted to throw out there that after a miscarriage your hormones will still be out of balance for a while - my own system took about 6 months to get back to normal and there were a couple of time I was convinced (....I even had an appointment for a blood test....and then I got my period at about 6.5 weeks). For what it's worth, I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for you that you get a positive test result soon. Hugs Fran xox
ReplyDeleteThanks hon.
ReplyDeleteI just hope I come on soon. I don't know what the hell I was thinking trying to get pregnant again so soon. I'm not strong enough for all this shit. x x x
I've got everything crossed hun. xxx
ReplyDeleteThanks. I wish I could be brain washed into forgetting all about it until I either come on, or start shooting milk out of my teats! :D x x x
ReplyDeleteHi,
ReplyDeleteAnother one keeping everything crossed for you but please try not to be too disheartened if you're not pregnant. I am sure you will know the joy of being a mummy, even if it takes a little longer than you would of wished for x
I'm 8 days late. No blood whatsoever and hideous nausea. Hmmmm. Every time I wipe I expect to see red, but nada. Another 3 days and I'll be the latest I've ever been in my life, so we'll see. x
ReplyDeleteSounds promising. X
ReplyDeleteI'm not getting my hopes up, because finding out I'm pregnant for me isn't the happy thing it is for a lot women. I've already had my hopes dashed so yeah, I want to be pregnant, but I know that's just the beginning. I know my own body better than anyone else though, and I know there's some weird shit afoot. So 'suck it and see' is what I'm doing :D x
ReplyDeleteSounds like a good plan and i know how you feel as i lost 2 before having my 3 and lost one between 2nd and 3rd :( Anyway..i am sending lots of good vibes your way x
ReplyDeleteI know you know how it goes. I know something though, if no period appears and I'm still getting negatives, I'll be off to the doctors as something's delaying the red deluge. What a head fuck! x
ReplyDeleteDoes seem rather odd, though stress can also cause a significant delay :( but perhaps they will make the effort to give you a blood test as it's more accurate than a pregnancy test, plus they could pick up on anything else that might be the cause.
ReplyDeleteYup. Could be a cyst on my ovary or something delaying the monthly. Whatever it is, SOMETHING ain't right, and I want to find out what. I know my body and I know this ain't normal! :S
ReplyDeleteHope you can get in to see someone this week x It's awful when you know something is wrong but not what it is. x
ReplyDeleteThanks, me too x
ReplyDelete