It didn't do me any good last time to plead silently in the night with the higher power (call it what you want), so I'm not going to start now. Last night when I was too afraid to go to sleep in case I didn't wake up* I found myself close to begging for all to be well, but stopped myself. Hoping and praying doesn't work. Whatever is going to happen will happen whether or not I cast requests for help and positivity into the ether.
So here I am, 5 days late, nauseous as ever, with breaking back, greasy skin, spotty face, fatigue, slightly sore ta-ta's, and yet another negative test telling me I'm deluded. Last time I had all these symptoms and a positive result. This time I have the symptoms and no test result to reassure, not that being pregnant is any assurance for someone who's had ectopic pregnancies. I should be entirely disheartened, but I'm not totally without hope, and even as I say that I feel a fool. I feel a fool to hope, because hope has been no friend of mine thus far.
Being sure of something against all evidence is a sign of madness or blind faith, and I'm not sure what the cause of mine is. However, my body is telling me something is not right within.
I take some reassurance from the women I see on forums who had symptoms but didn't get a positive test until they were a week late, 2 weeks late, 6 weeks late, 7 weeks late, 4 months late.....although by that point I think I would've asked for an ultrasound! :) I know it's very early days for me to get upset about it. It wouldn't be so bad if I hadn't felt pregnant for over 3 weeks by this point. The stress is so bad I think I'd almost rather come on to be rid of the stress. James is worried sick.
Do I trust this tiny sliver of hope inside me? Do I believe the symptoms I'm getting? Or do I start to worry that I'm going insane?
If I can, I'm going to avoid testing for another week and see if my symptoms persist or if I come on. I'll carry on taking my folic acid, avoiding booze, raw eggs, soft cheese, pate and all that jazz just in case.
*I had diarrhoea yesterday, which can be a sign of ectopic pregnancy. I had diarrhoea the day before my tube burst, so I got into an almighty panic and wrote James a note in case I didn't wake up. Also, I had some twinges in my left side, but I think they're psychosomatic, as every time I think about my op I get twinges there, and besides, I have no left tube.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Monday, April 25, 2011
So, here we are
I'm 2 days late now, and not a smidge of red to be seen anywhere. I'm still nauseous, my lower back feels like it's made of glass, and I've started sleeping like the dead. I had over 10 hours sleep last night, a very rare treat indeed. Also, I've been feeling a bit like I'm getting a cold, so I looked at my diary for last year, and sure thang, when I was in the early stages of pregnancy then I started to feel a bit sore throated and weird. I also saw in my diary last time how I got all spotty and greasy of forehead. Check! Spotty chin, lardy forehead.
So today I'm going to test. I *had* told myself I'd wait to see if I was a week late and then test, but if I am prego this bean could be ectopic and I could be in a world of shit before I know it. My first ectopic was when I was 3 weeks pregnant - i.e. a week before my period was due. That's why I had no idea I was pregnant until everything kicked off that time.
All along - since less than a week after we did the deed - I've been convinced I am pregnant. James's doubt and lack of excitement haven't bothered me (and I totally get his lack of excitement, it's self preservation) because it's like there's been a little voice reassuring me all will be well.
Sometime today or perhaps tomorrow morning (for the better capture of hcg in morning pee) I'm going to find out if that voice is true or a trickster.
But what if I'm going mental and imagining the whole thing?! Arrrghhh. Every time I go for a pee I expect to see red. I've done 3 tests now and they're all negative. That's it, no more testing unless I haven't come on in another 5 days, then I'll be a week late.
Must. Be. Strong.
Last time I was 6 days late when I tested and the second line was VERY faint. I guess I was a daft arse for expecting to see anything at 2 days late! I must stop this cycle of hope and despair. Easier said than done when it means the world to me :(
So today I'm going to test. I *had* told myself I'd wait to see if I was a week late and then test, but if I am prego this bean could be ectopic and I could be in a world of shit before I know it. My first ectopic was when I was 3 weeks pregnant - i.e. a week before my period was due. That's why I had no idea I was pregnant until everything kicked off that time.
All along - since less than a week after we did the deed - I've been convinced I am pregnant. James's doubt and lack of excitement haven't bothered me (and I totally get his lack of excitement, it's self preservation) because it's like there's been a little voice reassuring me all will be well.
Sometime today or perhaps tomorrow morning (for the better capture of hcg in morning pee) I'm going to find out if that voice is true or a trickster.
But what if I'm going mental and imagining the whole thing?! Arrrghhh. Every time I go for a pee I expect to see red. I've done 3 tests now and they're all negative. That's it, no more testing unless I haven't come on in another 5 days, then I'll be a week late.
Must. Be. Strong.
Last time I was 6 days late when I tested and the second line was VERY faint. I guess I was a daft arse for expecting to see anything at 2 days late! I must stop this cycle of hope and despair. Easier said than done when it means the world to me :(
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Well....
..... I am now officially late.
Yesterday came and went without a hint of redness. Every time I pee I expect to see something, but there's nothing there. Something I noticed yesterday is that I am extremely emotional. Everything sets me off - happy, sad, you get the picture.
Also, my boobs feel weird. This is TMI but they feel different, extra soft and spongy, but fuller too. WTF is that all about?!
It's too soon to be counting my chickens, but every day I don't come on leads me closer to thinking I *might* actually be incubating a host! :)
Yesterday came and went without a hint of redness. Every time I pee I expect to see something, but there's nothing there. Something I noticed yesterday is that I am extremely emotional. Everything sets me off - happy, sad, you get the picture.
Also, my boobs feel weird. This is TMI but they feel different, extra soft and spongy, but fuller too. WTF is that all about?!
It's too soon to be counting my chickens, but every day I don't come on leads me closer to thinking I *might* actually be incubating a host! :)
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
I've decided....
....that if I'm not knocked up, that I might just be dying. Nausea, headaches, backache....someone shoot me and put me out of my misery!! :)
In all seriousness, I did a test today and it was negative. I used a cheap Asda one which you can use up to 4 days prior to the day your period is due. (Today is 4 days before my period is due to start). Negative. I'm not disheartened (yet) because I still feel so awful! If I don't come on on Saturday I will test again. I know tests before your period is due are less reliable than regular ones. If I'm just having an unfortunate set of symptoms and I still come on this weekend, I'll be very surprised but will look forward to cracking on with the trying again.
Today I've felt sick all day. Today is the first day I've felt sick after food. Usually eating makes it go away. Today it hasn't. It's a hot day and I have a headache, so I'm being careful to drink loads of water in case that's making me feel the need to vom.
I'm sure Saturday will come round soon enough and we'll see what happens then!
In all seriousness, I did a test today and it was negative. I used a cheap Asda one which you can use up to 4 days prior to the day your period is due. (Today is 4 days before my period is due to start). Negative. I'm not disheartened (yet) because I still feel so awful! If I don't come on on Saturday I will test again. I know tests before your period is due are less reliable than regular ones. If I'm just having an unfortunate set of symptoms and I still come on this weekend, I'll be very surprised but will look forward to cracking on with the trying again.
Today I've felt sick all day. Today is the first day I've felt sick after food. Usually eating makes it go away. Today it hasn't. It's a hot day and I have a headache, so I'm being careful to drink loads of water in case that's making me feel the need to vom.
I'm sure Saturday will come round soon enough and we'll see what happens then!
Sunday, April 17, 2011
When your happiness makes someone else feel sad/jealous
We've all been there at some point......an experience someone else is going through makes us feel envious, or makes us feel we wish it was us. Then we snap out of ourselves and go back to being good, supportive friends who are thrilled this brilliant thing is happening to our mates.
I've know my oldest friend for 22 years and there's rarely a day we don't text one another, even though we can go years without seeing each other. She has one child, and has been trying for another for about 2-3 years. She knows I could've died after my ectopic pregnancy, and when I told her I thought I might be pregnant, I was expecting her to be happy for me despite her own struggles as she knows how much of a toll trying to be a mum has taken on me.
Nope, didn't seem so.
I must say that before anyone thinks I should've been a bit more considerate about her feelings, I've been there through every up and down for her. I knew she was pregnant before she did and told her to have a test, which of course was positive. I also knew the baby would be a girl, and it was....I'm a bit of a witch with my predictions coming true. Her daughter is gorgeous and I love her to bits. She sang happy birthday down the phone to me last year, which was wonderful. I've been at the end of the phone for dozens of phone calls and thousands of texts as she's raved enthusiastically about the minutiae of her child's life.
When I said I thought I might be pregnant, she said "At least you can get pregnant."
Ow, that stings. I can get pregnant, but so far have a 2 for 2 strike rate of losing the damn thing - and last time I almost lost my life.
Now I feel like if I am pregnant, she won't share in my joy with me. That sucks.
I know some of the people reading this have been through/are going through struggles to conceive and I feel for every one of you, I really do, because for so many of us trying to conceive, being pregnant, having the pregnancy grow in the right place, going full term or giving birth to a live baby is a thing we've yet to experience. The more I hear about everyone's struggles, the more I believe the whole process of conception and childbirth is a miracle. Having sex is the easiest bit about it, the rest seems to rely far more on luck than biology.
If I am pregnant, that's just the beginning for me. There will be blood testing at the docs every 2 days, early scans, and shit loads of worry that I'll ever be able to carry a child to term. On top of that, I have my age and weight against me. Nothing about this is easy for me, and for someone to feel jealous of me seems ridiculous, especially taking into consideration just 3 months ago I was in a hospital bed having had a part of me removed to save my life. I'm in no position for someone to be jealous of me.
Having someone feel shit because of something that may be happening to me makes me feel terrible. Perhaps in hindsight I should've held off telling her until I am certain, but I mistakenly thought she'd be there for me like I've been there for her.
I've know my oldest friend for 22 years and there's rarely a day we don't text one another, even though we can go years without seeing each other. She has one child, and has been trying for another for about 2-3 years. She knows I could've died after my ectopic pregnancy, and when I told her I thought I might be pregnant, I was expecting her to be happy for me despite her own struggles as she knows how much of a toll trying to be a mum has taken on me.
Nope, didn't seem so.
I must say that before anyone thinks I should've been a bit more considerate about her feelings, I've been there through every up and down for her. I knew she was pregnant before she did and told her to have a test, which of course was positive. I also knew the baby would be a girl, and it was....I'm a bit of a witch with my predictions coming true. Her daughter is gorgeous and I love her to bits. She sang happy birthday down the phone to me last year, which was wonderful. I've been at the end of the phone for dozens of phone calls and thousands of texts as she's raved enthusiastically about the minutiae of her child's life.
When I said I thought I might be pregnant, she said "At least you can get pregnant."
Ow, that stings. I can get pregnant, but so far have a 2 for 2 strike rate of losing the damn thing - and last time I almost lost my life.
Now I feel like if I am pregnant, she won't share in my joy with me. That sucks.
I know some of the people reading this have been through/are going through struggles to conceive and I feel for every one of you, I really do, because for so many of us trying to conceive, being pregnant, having the pregnancy grow in the right place, going full term or giving birth to a live baby is a thing we've yet to experience. The more I hear about everyone's struggles, the more I believe the whole process of conception and childbirth is a miracle. Having sex is the easiest bit about it, the rest seems to rely far more on luck than biology.
If I am pregnant, that's just the beginning for me. There will be blood testing at the docs every 2 days, early scans, and shit loads of worry that I'll ever be able to carry a child to term. On top of that, I have my age and weight against me. Nothing about this is easy for me, and for someone to feel jealous of me seems ridiculous, especially taking into consideration just 3 months ago I was in a hospital bed having had a part of me removed to save my life. I'm in no position for someone to be jealous of me.
Having someone feel shit because of something that may be happening to me makes me feel terrible. Perhaps in hindsight I should've held off telling her until I am certain, but I mistakenly thought she'd be there for me like I've been there for her.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Looking promising
For the last couple of days I've had bad abdominal cramps and there's quite a lot of brown goo today when I wipe after a wee. I've also been getting low blood sugar and have still been feeling nauseous early in the mornings and when I'm hungry (the nausea has been going on for over a week now).
From www.justmommies.com: Implantation bleeding normally occurs a week to a few days before your period would normally start. (Mine is due in 7 days). Spotting that occurs around a week after ovulation (I ovulated between 7th-10th April - today is the 16th. You do the maths!) is likely implantation bleeding; whereas, spotting that occurs very close to the time that your period would normally start may not be.
I'm pretty sure we've cracked it and am kinda starting to get excited, but at the same time I'm really scared as well.
We went to get an early test from the supermarket today. They didn't have any 6 day advance tests, but they had one where you can test 4 days before you're due, and that means I can test on Wednesday.
I'll be VERY surprised if I don't see a positive result on Wednesday!
From www.justmommies.com: Implantation bleeding normally occurs a week to a few days before your period would normally start. (Mine is due in 7 days). Spotting that occurs around a week after ovulation (I ovulated between 7th-10th April - today is the 16th. You do the maths!) is likely implantation bleeding; whereas, spotting that occurs very close to the time that your period would normally start may not be.
I'm pretty sure we've cracked it and am kinda starting to get excited, but at the same time I'm really scared as well.
We went to get an early test from the supermarket today. They didn't have any 6 day advance tests, but they had one where you can test 4 days before you're due, and that means I can test on Wednesday.
I'll be VERY surprised if I don't see a positive result on Wednesday!
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Hmmmm
I am even more of the notion I'm with child.
I was awake until past 3am last night with hideous stomach cramps. I'd taken 4 strong paracetamol in the evening and it didn't touch it. Stomach cramps=implantation pains?
This morning I feel really sick, more so than in the previous few days since I started having symptoms, and in the same pattern of things as when I was pregnant. It's a case of nausea when I'm hungry, nausea when I'm full, and nausea in the morning.
Intriguing....
I'll keep you informed.
I was awake until past 3am last night with hideous stomach cramps. I'd taken 4 strong paracetamol in the evening and it didn't touch it. Stomach cramps=implantation pains?
This morning I feel really sick, more so than in the previous few days since I started having symptoms, and in the same pattern of things as when I was pregnant. It's a case of nausea when I'm hungry, nausea when I'm full, and nausea in the morning.
Intriguing....
I'll keep you informed.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Waiting Game
My fella and I started to try again for a baby recently. After no time at all (literally a few days after the first time we had sex with no contraception) I started to have symptoms.......you know the ones.
Nausea.
Red tinges when I wipe after a pee occasionally.
Really bad lower back ache.
Period-like cramps.
Obviously, I have to bear in mind that there could be a huge amount of wishful thinking here, but all of these symptoms are exactly the same as they were just 3 and a half months ago when I was going through them when I was pregnant. Either I'm imagining all of this and need my head examined, or there might be a bun in the oven again. My period-like cramps aren't going anywhere even after 2 strong Paracetamol.
Could I really have been lucky enough to strike it lucky the first time?! I barely dare ask the question, let alone believe it could be true.
When I was pregnant last time I started to get nauseous just a few days after we conceived - way before I had any inkling I was pregnant - and it gradually got worse. I'll be monitoring things, as it's too early to do a test yet, even one of the First Response ones you can do 6 days before. I have a wait of almost a week before I can do one of those tests.
I'm not going to mention any of this to anyone on Facebook, so if you read this you're amongst the few in the loop. If this auto-posts to Facebook, I'll delete the post ASAP. Something I can't go through again is living everything out under the spotlight again, but at the same time I need to share things or else I'll go mad.
If I turn out not to be pregnant, we'll just keep trying. If I do turn out to be pregnant, I'll still need to keep things on the down-low until 3 months are up, as I couldn't bear to become a subject of pity if everything goes to shit again.
I'll keep you informed.
Nausea.
Red tinges when I wipe after a pee occasionally.
Really bad lower back ache.
Period-like cramps.
Obviously, I have to bear in mind that there could be a huge amount of wishful thinking here, but all of these symptoms are exactly the same as they were just 3 and a half months ago when I was going through them when I was pregnant. Either I'm imagining all of this and need my head examined, or there might be a bun in the oven again. My period-like cramps aren't going anywhere even after 2 strong Paracetamol.
Could I really have been lucky enough to strike it lucky the first time?! I barely dare ask the question, let alone believe it could be true.
When I was pregnant last time I started to get nauseous just a few days after we conceived - way before I had any inkling I was pregnant - and it gradually got worse. I'll be monitoring things, as it's too early to do a test yet, even one of the First Response ones you can do 6 days before. I have a wait of almost a week before I can do one of those tests.
I'm not going to mention any of this to anyone on Facebook, so if you read this you're amongst the few in the loop. If this auto-posts to Facebook, I'll delete the post ASAP. Something I can't go through again is living everything out under the spotlight again, but at the same time I need to share things or else I'll go mad.
If I turn out not to be pregnant, we'll just keep trying. If I do turn out to be pregnant, I'll still need to keep things on the down-low until 3 months are up, as I couldn't bear to become a subject of pity if everything goes to shit again.
I'll keep you informed.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Happy Mothers Day!
There's some poignancy in this.....because had fate not intervened, my baby would have been halfway there by now.
I'd have been the size of a house with ankles like thighs and I'd probably still be green around the gills from the constant nausea, my tits still would have felt like they'd been sand-papered, but I'm sure I would've been happy.
I wonder how long it takes for this slight rawness to go away, or if it ever does?
All that said, I wish a very sincere happy Mothers Day to all the mummies out there, as it is such a struggle for some people, and with all the miscarriages, ectopic pregnancies and still births in the world you do realise that carrying a baby to full term is a miracle in every way.
Fertility is such an odd thing. I have a friend who has a 3 year old, and they've been trying almost constantly since for a brother or sister, and nothing. You might think that if you'd already been fortunate enough to have one child that the conception of further children is like falling off a log, but not so. They're doing the whole shebang - ovulation kits, going at it like jack jammers in the fertile time, but no luck. The doctors can't see anything wrong. They may end up with a very spoiled (with love) only child, and some would say that should be enough, but the heart wants what it wants.
Because of my own experience, and hearing the experiences of other people (sharing this time with people on Facebook and here has brought out SO many people struggling to conceive, and before I really had no idea) I have decided to never enquire if anyone is intending to have children, because it's such a private thing, and can be such a cause of hurt if there isn't an easy answer. No one should have to tell a virtual stranger the ins and outs of their struggles.
In a previous workplace there was a woman who enquired almost on a weekly basis if I was planning on having kids, despite being reminded every fucking time of my previous pregnancy*, hospital stay and end of pregnancy in 2003. I grew to hate the bitch, and other workmates who were present when she enquired for the nth time would joke with me afterwards echoing the stupid cow's sentiments "So, Leah - are you planning on having any kids?! You're not getting any younger, you know!"
If someone I didn't know very well asked me the same question now, I can't help but think I'd either say I planned to have babies and eat them, or that as I'm the recipient of a sex change, I'm unable. In other words they can mind their own fucking business. I'm not going to ask them what their favourite sexual position is, but it's just as invasive.
If someone brings the subject of their wanting to have kids with me, I'll happily talk about it, but I'm not going to bring the subject up as I might be causing someone unnecessary hurt. Someone who knows what's happened to me asked me yesterday if I can still have kids, and the answer is I just don't know. I'll just have to wait and see.
*This is my second ectopic pregnancy.
I'd have been the size of a house with ankles like thighs and I'd probably still be green around the gills from the constant nausea, my tits still would have felt like they'd been sand-papered, but I'm sure I would've been happy.
I wonder how long it takes for this slight rawness to go away, or if it ever does?
All that said, I wish a very sincere happy Mothers Day to all the mummies out there, as it is such a struggle for some people, and with all the miscarriages, ectopic pregnancies and still births in the world you do realise that carrying a baby to full term is a miracle in every way.
Fertility is such an odd thing. I have a friend who has a 3 year old, and they've been trying almost constantly since for a brother or sister, and nothing. You might think that if you'd already been fortunate enough to have one child that the conception of further children is like falling off a log, but not so. They're doing the whole shebang - ovulation kits, going at it like jack jammers in the fertile time, but no luck. The doctors can't see anything wrong. They may end up with a very spoiled (with love) only child, and some would say that should be enough, but the heart wants what it wants.
Because of my own experience, and hearing the experiences of other people (sharing this time with people on Facebook and here has brought out SO many people struggling to conceive, and before I really had no idea) I have decided to never enquire if anyone is intending to have children, because it's such a private thing, and can be such a cause of hurt if there isn't an easy answer. No one should have to tell a virtual stranger the ins and outs of their struggles.
In a previous workplace there was a woman who enquired almost on a weekly basis if I was planning on having kids, despite being reminded every fucking time of my previous pregnancy*, hospital stay and end of pregnancy in 2003. I grew to hate the bitch, and other workmates who were present when she enquired for the nth time would joke with me afterwards echoing the stupid cow's sentiments "So, Leah - are you planning on having any kids?! You're not getting any younger, you know!"
If someone I didn't know very well asked me the same question now, I can't help but think I'd either say I planned to have babies and eat them, or that as I'm the recipient of a sex change, I'm unable. In other words they can mind their own fucking business. I'm not going to ask them what their favourite sexual position is, but it's just as invasive.
If someone brings the subject of their wanting to have kids with me, I'll happily talk about it, but I'm not going to bring the subject up as I might be causing someone unnecessary hurt. Someone who knows what's happened to me asked me yesterday if I can still have kids, and the answer is I just don't know. I'll just have to wait and see.
*This is my second ectopic pregnancy.
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