Good doctor visit with TMI photo!

Something I should've clarified before is some of the things I post in this blog don't have anything to do with pregnancy or wanting to be pregnant, but there's no other place for them. I certainly can't post photos of my vaginal discharge on my main blog ;) 

Any lady-bits related stuff will go in this blog. 

Something I realised I needed to make a clarification on is the difference between me wanting to be pregnant and thinking I am. It's highly improbable that I am up the duff, I know that, but it doesn't stop me wishing I was. I'm very glad my doctor is checking for it (without anything actually having to be said), and without making me feel like some kind of mental patient.

I went to see the lovely lady GP today. The last few doctor visits I've had, I've printed off all the salient details to hand over, rather than attempting to rely on my crap memory, and it seems to have worked wonders. I listed every slightly 'hinky' thing which has happened since my ectopic pregnancy - the cramping combined with light bleeding, the cramping on its own at various times, the numerous occasions there has been bloody mucus when wiping after a wee, the oddness of my cycle etc etc. And of course I showed her my bulging tum, and she examined it.

My blood is being checked to see if my hormones are out of whack, I'm having a hcg test just to rule pregnancy out (because of my history), and I had vaginal swabs taken to see if an infection is causing the old blood in my cervical mucus. I also showed the doc a photo of the mucus so she could see the colour and consistency of it. What a treat for her at 8.30 in the morning! Poor love.

When I had the speculum inserted by the nurse and she locked it open it bloody hurt like hell. I've had several smears and numerous internals from my ectopic pregnancies and I've never had any pain when someone's been rooting around in my lady passage. The nurse told me afterwards to expect blood, as she could see my cervix is 'tender'. I'll bloody say so, it still stings when I bend over nearly 12 hours later. She was right about the blood too, it came out after the last 2 wees with what looks like a load of skin cells.

I post these TMI photos in case anyone else comes along who's wondering what the hell is going on with their body. It seems there's a lot of talk on the internet on forums about people trying to conceive, a lot of questions being asked, and not a lot of answers. I want photos! I want to know what things look like, so I can identify with people and thus feel less lost myself. If I can help one person feel less lost and alone, I'm happy to keep the TMI photos coming.

TMI PHOTO ALERT!

Don't look if you're easily grossed out.

You can click this for a larger image if you're brave enough

Those minging little balls are bits of skin that came out. 

Gerrrr-oss!

Here is the latest gut photo in all its..errrr...glory.

Whoaaaaa! That's some IBS!

The Mr says I've lost weight (which is probably due to the manic time I've had cleaning and moving furniture around for the electricians) but definitely not in the tummy area. 

In a week I'll know if my hormones are out of whack and if I have any yukky infections.

Has anyone had pain or bleeding after a vaginal exam?

Oh shite, I forgot to mention fibroids and poly cystic kidneys as possible causes of swelling.

I'll see what the test results are then go from there.

I'm just really pleased my doc is on the ball.

So, it happened. TMI photo!

I knew someone would ask me if I was pregnant last night, and they did. 

Sometimes having a sixth sense sucks.

I went to the wedding reception of someone who now works for the same company I used to work for. I didn't actually work with her - I worked with her mum - and I got to know E through her mum. I knew I'd be seeing some faces I hadn't seen for a long time, and although I'm not Facebook friends with all of the ex-Comet people there, I'm friends with enough of them for news to have got around about my last ectopic pregnancy and us trying for another sprog.

I was greeted very warmly by everyone there and it was really touching, actually. I was well and truly hugged! 

One of the ladies there came up to me, cradled my belly and asked me "When is it due?"

"Tomorrow!" I said, laughing. 

She asked if I was joking and I said I'm not pregnant. She was terribly apologetic, and I just laughed it off, but it has reinforced my need to find out what the hell is going on with me, as I know I LOOK very pregnant.

Excuse the stupid facial expression. This is me standing naturally, not pooching the thing out.

Added to that, everyone told me I looked really well, and the word 'glowing' was used more than once.

I've been feeling great, too - which for anybody who knows the story of my health - is a very rare occurrence along the lines of rocking horse shit. So rare, I wonder what the hell is causing it, because I can't remember the last time I felt this alive. But hey ho, I'm embracing it! I'll make the most of it :)

Last week was a really busy one, with very little sleep because of the early mornings every day (it takes me a long time to get to sleep, way into the small hours most times, and I was getting up at 7.30am every day ready for the electricians), lots of heavy lifting and sweating my butt off every day. I emptied out the whole spare room (aside from the Mr's drum kit) to the opposite side of the flat so the room could be re-wired, moved all the furniture to the centre of the living room so the electricians could do the wall sockets, cleaned like a loony getting rid of all the plaster dust residue every day, had a massive clear out of junk from the spare room, and re-homed everything the electricians moved out of their way (which was almost every damn thing).

I've had a bee in my bonnet about everything. I cleared out the cupboard under the stairs, even though I'm terrified of lurking spiders, rearranged all the bedroom furniture apart from the bed (good luck moving that on my own, it weighs a ton!), swept cobwebs, and did a dozen other annoying jobs. As well as this I've been doing loads of work on the website, I've designed loads of new badges, uploaded hundreds of photos to the Funki Munki Badges Facebook page, done the orders....need I go on?!

In short, I'm a woman possessed.

Possessed by what is what I don't know. I keep expecting Sigourney Weaver to pop up while she waits for an alien to burst out of my abdomen!

BOO!

On a serious note, once the electricians have gone once and for all (so I don't have to be at home in the mornings and can get to the docs for 8am) I will go to the doctor to ask for tests.

Edited to show goo coming out of my front bottom at various stages of the month.

Charming eh? Likely my hormones are fucked.

I think the oddness with bleeding and irregular periods are probably caused by out of whack hormones and are a different issue to the stomach swelling. I'm going to the doctors tomorrow morning and hopefully she'll have a root where the sun doesn't shine to see if she can feel fibroids or anything. I'll also bring up poly cystic kidneys as that can cause stomach swelling too. Thinking about it, my aunt who has PCK has a quite rounded tum, and she's as skinny as a rake.

The Gut

I know for a fact I've only put a pound on since January, because I was weighed last week at the hospital. I'm pretty sure in January I didn't look like this.

The Mr took some shots of me for my other blog earlier and this is a 'reject' from those shots, as I certainly wouldn't want people to see this over there. I had no idea it had got this big. I knew it was getting bigger, but I didn't know it looked like this:

 There it is, at the left side of the photo, just by my right hand. That thing jutting out at a weird angle like that. My bloody stomach. 

You can see the narrowest part of me, just under my boobs. Those horizontal lines there are elastic, and just above that you can see the curve of my boob. That point there to where I've put the horizontal red line (above) is what has totally freaked me out. It's not normally dead flat, but it's not normally like that either!

Here, I've cropped, lightened and drawn a line around the outside of that thing so you can see better what I mean.

I wish I had one fully sideways-on to show you the monstrosity of that thing. 

What the fuck is it?! 

I'm a fat bird, but generally speaking my boobs stick out more or equal to my stomach. My fattest bit has always been below the belly button, not just under my boobs. 

It's not a dodgy angle, that's me standing normally and not holding anything in. I had no idea it looked like that. We have no full length mirror here.

For comparison, this is what I looked like a little over a year ago, and I'm about the same weight now. It's not the best pic as the dots make your eyes go funny, but it doesn't look like I'm hiding an extractor fan under my top, like the other pictures do.

It's a fuzzy pic because I've 'borrowed' it off a mate from Facebook

See, I was kinda straight up and down. Boobage sticking out about as much as the gut. I've deliberately chosen another kinda sideways on picture for comparison.

What the fuck?

Has anyone got any missing livestock?! Hahaha! Any missing cows in the area?

Now do you see why I think I might* be pregnant? 

*Despite alllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll probability.

Yes, just go ahead and call that shrink for me now. You know you wanna.

I really don't know what's going on in my body

So, you know I had my second ectopic in January.

8 weeks to the DAY after that I came on, and had a normal period. Thank you very much, I can still likely conceive. Woop de woop!

My next period after that was after 29 days (my usual cycle) and was really heavy, soaked through 2 super-absorbancy towels at once, right through my clothes, made me anaemic, yadda yadda. Having a good ol' clear out.

Then I had a shitload of pregnancy symptoms, starting in early April and going on for weeks. I 'came on' or had a heavy-ish bleed for 4 days (which seemed like a normal period to me, although thankfully not as heavy as the last one by far) and 2 days of light spotting afterwards (I normally go 4 days, maybe 4 and a bit, with no spotting afterwards ever, it just dwindles and ends). That was on day 41 of my cycle that I 'came on'. I didn't stop feeling pregnant in the slightest, making me think I was going fucking insane. 

 Of course, I couldn't share this with any living soul, not anyone lest people think 'Aww, she's so desperate to be a mum she's imagining herself pregnant.'

I've been up with horrible cramps more nights than I care to remember, I've even phoned the hospital in tears twice, and I haven't been able to share this with anyone, not even James.

Every other time I've been late (twice last year, for instance) I've come on early afterwards as if my body knows exactly what it's doing and where my cycle should be. If that'd been the case, I should have come on on May 21st (12 days late + 17 days into cycle= 29) or thereabouts but I didn't. I did however have lots of blood with mucus in it every time I wiped after a pee (which lasted for 2-3 days), and lots of tummy cramps which kept me up till the early hours crying my eyes out around the time I may have come on, if my body was re-regulating itself.

I wasn't overly bothered about not coming on then, and just thought that when it got to the usual 29 days I would've come on - on June 2nd. 

Did I bollocks! 

So I'm a week late today and I have a box load of negative tests. Literally a dozen, the last one done a few days ago.

What the FUCK is going on? Am I starting the menopause? What other reason could there be for my cycle going from 29 days since the year dot, to the late 30/early 40 days mark?

To be clear, I have never been late twice on the trot in my life. 

But then prior to January I'd never in my life had a part of my reproductive system yanked out, either!

To further add to the already massive headfuck, I've had sore tits for ages, feel ratty and weepy and altogether pre-menstrual....without a fucking period to blame for it, thus far. 

Am I just seeing the dwindling of my menstrual cycle as I sink into grey old age? 

Will I come on within the next week? 

How long is a piece of string?!

If things weren't bad enough, Miss Googlefingers here has been doing some research about stuff and things, and came up with decidual bleeding and reports of people who go full term without ever having a positive home pregnancy test. 

Why do I do it to myself?

Long story short, do I think I'm pregnant? I don't know. 

Do I think something is seriously fucked in my body? Yes.

I'm going to go and see a doctor about this soon to see if there are any hormone tests they can do on me. 

I'm starting to seriously believe I may never hold my child in my arms, and if that is the case, how can I get married next year, knowing I could be ridding him of his chance to be a father? A man's need to father a child is strong, and it might be kinder to break it off so he can do that, rather than him deciding 10 years down the road, when the ship has truly sailed for me (if it ever had wind to begin with), that he has to be a dad.

I don't think I could take that. 

What a headfuck.