So, you know I had my second ectopic in January.
8 weeks to the DAY after that I came on, and had a normal period. Thank you very much, I can still likely conceive. Woop de woop!
My next period after that was after 29 days (my usual cycle) and was really heavy, soaked through 2 super-absorbancy towels at once, right through my clothes, made me anaemic, yadda yadda. Having a good ol' clear out.
Then I had a shitload of pregnancy symptoms, starting in early April and going on for weeks. I 'came on' or had a heavy-ish bleed for 4 days (which seemed like a normal period to me, although thankfully not as heavy as the last one by far) and 2 days of light spotting afterwards (I normally go 4 days, maybe 4 and a bit, with no spotting afterwards ever, it just dwindles and ends). That was on day 41 of my cycle that I 'came on'. I didn't stop feeling pregnant in the slightest, making me think I was going fucking insane.
Of course, I couldn't share this with any living soul, not anyone lest people think 'Aww, she's so desperate to be a mum she's imagining herself pregnant.'
I've been up with horrible cramps more nights than I care to remember, I've even phoned the hospital in tears twice, and I haven't been able to share this with anyone, not even James.
Every other time I've been late (twice last year, for instance) I've come on early afterwards as if my body knows exactly what it's doing and where my cycle should be. If that'd been the case, I should have come on on May 21st (12 days late + 17 days into cycle= 29) or thereabouts but I didn't. I did however have lots of blood with mucus in it every time I wiped after a pee (which lasted for 2-3 days), and lots of tummy cramps which kept me up till the early hours crying my eyes out around the time I may have come on, if my body was re-regulating itself.
I wasn't overly bothered about not coming on then, and just thought that when it got to the usual 29 days I would've come on - on June 2nd.
Did I bollocks!
So I'm a week late today and I have a box load of negative tests. Literally a dozen, the last one done a few days ago.
What the FUCK is going on? Am I starting the menopause? What other reason could there be for my cycle going from 29 days since the year dot, to the late 30/early 40 days mark?
To be clear, I have never been late twice on the trot in my life.
But then prior to January I'd never in my life had a part of my reproductive system yanked out, either!
To further add to the already massive headfuck, I've had sore tits for ages, feel ratty and weepy and altogether pre-menstrual....without a fucking period to blame for it, thus far.
Am I just seeing the dwindling of my menstrual cycle as I sink into grey old age?
Will I come on within the next week?
How long is a piece of string?!
If things weren't bad enough, Miss Googlefingers here has been doing some research about stuff and things, and came up with decidual bleeding and reports of people who go full term without ever having a positive home pregnancy test.
Why do I do it to myself?
Long story short, do I think I'm pregnant? I don't know.
Do I think something is seriously fucked in my body? Yes.
I'm going to go and see a doctor about this soon to see if there are any hormone tests they can do on me.
I'm starting to seriously believe I may never hold my child in my arms, and if that is the case, how can I get married next year, knowing I could be ridding him of his chance to be a father? A man's need to father a child is strong, and it might be kinder to break it off so he can do that, rather than him deciding 10 years down the road, when the ship has truly sailed for me (if it ever had wind to begin with), that he has to be a dad.
I don't think I could take that.
What a headfuck.
Please don't do this to yourself and get some help, I think maybe you need to get some counselling to discuss your feelings and what has happened. I had a blighted ovum at the end of march, I would have been 11 weeks 6 days, this year and its been over two months now and I still am producing milk and my cycle is all over the show apparently this can happen and can last for six months after the miscarriage. was you ever assigned a midwife if so do you still have her number it might be worth calling her for some advice. If not go to this link and they can talk to you and give advice and a shoulder to cry on http://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/
ReplyDeleteSweetie, please calm down. All of this can be attributed to your body still having lingering effects of your pregnancy. They do not always disappear right away.
ReplyDeleteI have been through similar issues. Some months it was a raging red flood, some, not so much. Some horrible cramps, tears, etc. and some..nothing.
I think maybe it could be a hormonal imbalance, or something of the like. Of course, I am no doctor. I wouldn't rule out a HI at this point. Your body has been through a lot, and it very well could take it a while to get back in the swing of things, so to speak.
Myself, I just stopped the pill recently, which I was on for ridiculously heavy bleeding. I bled for 2 months straight. No joke. (I paid the price. My iron is still ridiculously out of whack.) After taking the pill for well over 9 months, I was tired of it. So I stopped. Had a period exactly a month after cessation of the pill. Then, they became more or less regular (a first for me.) however, I noticed they varied in amounts. For the past months it was scant and nearly nothing. This month.... TSUNAMI!
Hang in there love. Maybe talk to your doctor. let them do some tests and find out what is going on. I will say a prayer for you and send all of the best wishes and good thoughts I can muster!
On a side note: do you know what terrifies me the most about not having children? Never knowing the love of a mother to a child. Never leaving my legacy (scary..I know) in the world. Selfish, yes, but I'm just being honest. You're never alone honey, you have many friends who can understand or even relate. Hugs!!
I have to agree with what Louise has said. I think some counselling would be a good idea as what you've been through must be next to near impossible to deal with and get straight in your head.
ReplyDeleteHaving never been through what you have, I can't even begin to imagine how much of a headfuck it all is with your hormones being all over the place, but I can tell you that the doctor told me a womans body behaves very similarly after a miscarraige to how it does after a normal birth.
This would mean you would have a VERY heavy period or clearout as you said and your cycle will be off for some time afterwards (it usually settles within about 6 months which is why most docs recommend leaving trying to conceive 6 months after a miscarraige for optimum results).
I have always been regular as clockwork but after Isaac and after I'd finished breast feeding it took about 2 months for me to finally have a period and it was a nasty one. I also bled for 9 weeks after Isaac was born when that all should have been over and sorted within 6 weeks or so.
Your body will be all over the place at the minute with your hormones and having lost a part of you responsible for a lot of those hormones your levels will now be all different. You may find now after whats happened your cycle completely changes and regulates into a different pattern to how it was before.
I wouldn't worry as to what happens with when your period arrives until you reach at least the 6 months post op mark and then watch to see if a new pattern is establishing itself. You'll feel all sorts of wierd symptoms with your boobs, emotions etc which again is those lovely hormones. It takes your body quite sometimes to drop those HCG levels.
How you're feeling is only natural with what you've been through and I don't think that will change until you've conceived and had a baby. I know things may lessen in time but you want a child really badly and you will feel anxious until that happens. Then when you get pregnant (which I have no doubt will happen) you'll have the anxiety of something happening. This is ALL normal and even more so with what you've been through. Don't feel like you're going mad or worrying unnecessarilly, its your emotions and its all a normal part of overcoming a miscarraige, trying to conceive and having a baby.
I was lucky enough to reach full term and have a baby but it didn't stop me worrying about every little thing all the way along. When you want something this bad, you will worry. You want this badly and with your age (like me) you're conscious you need to get cracking which adds to the anxiety.
Allow yourself to feel how you feel, go with it. One thing though don't think you will never have kids. Don't feel desolate and low and give up on things and DEFFO don't think James deserves to be with someone else. I think he would tell you where to put that idea if you told him and he'd be right. James is lucky to have you and a child is an extra blessing. I'm sure he'd pick a happy life with you above anything else any day. I don't think he'll have to pick though, as I'm sure it will happen for you in time.
Enjoy the next year and your wedding and get cracking next April ;op I have no doubt you'll conceive a summertime baby!!
Hope this made some sort of sense and I didn't say anything insulting or patronising.xxx
Hi Louise. I'm SO sorry to hear that :( How are you doing?
ReplyDeleteI did get a midwife. I had the op the day after I saw her for the first time (ironic, huh?) so there's no real rapport there.
I will go see my doc (who's a woman, so she should hopefully 'get' me) and tell her I think something is amiss, just for the weirdness of my periods lately, if nothing else, and hope she can do hormone tests. I know they can also do a test where they look at the viability of the bits and bobs you have left to see if that's all working.
The thing is, my ovary which has no tube is/was still working, as I felt myself ovulate on that side post-op (the egg just does a longer journey across to pop out of the other side fallopian tube) so there's no easily apparent MEDICAL reason for me to be having a weirdly long cycle, nor any reason for all the weird other stuff.
I can't explain it, but all I can say is something inside is SCREAMING at me all isn't right. I need to go to the docs, but I want to see when I next bleed first before I go.
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Christina, holy cow! 2 months solid? Shit! I've only just started to NOT feel anaemic in the last couple of weeks, and that's because I've been taking a double dose of iron tablets on and off since January. When you lose a lot of blood it takes a loooong time to get over that. I get you on the tsunami. I was getting through 2 super-absorbancy towels an hour on my 2nd period after the op and ruined virtually every pair of knickers I own. Men don't know how lucky they are ;) I hope it settles for you soon.
Do you know what worries me most about not having kids? Aside from missing out on their love, and having a little one to nurture, it's being pitied. 'Oh there goes Leah, poor bitch can't have kids.' I swear to God, if I find out I'm infertile, I'm not going to tell a soul other than James. I'll just pretend I've changed my mind and that I'm too selfish to want to have kids, because I don't want anyone's pity. Men don't really care, but women, they think you're the most pitiful wretch alive if you can't breed, and I won't have that shit from anyone.
You're right Lis, I don't think I ever will relax until I fall pregnant, although that's the half of it. I can't imagine how much the worry is when you actually know you've got a living thing inside you (I didn't have that for any longer than 2 and a half weeks, so the joy was still there and the worry hadn't kicked in). And then when you have a child, the worry will NEVER go away! I know my mum still worries about me as if I was a baby :>
ReplyDeleteI don't feel I want to talk to anyone professional about it, all I need is some reassurance that everything is OK. Once I know my body is OK, my head will sort itself out. If I come on at the 40 day mark or thereabouts again I'll know a pattern is emerging and just be thankful that I have less periods a year to worry about, hehehe :D
I suppose the next thing to see is when I come on and go from there.
Plz don't think like that hun, and if the worst comes to the worst and you can't have a baby there are other options like surrogacy where yours and james baby could be carried by someone else, would still be your baby (not the same as carrying it yourself I know)it may just take a while for your body to get back into its routine as it has been through alot..... just try to keep the faith hun xXx
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