A year ago today...

...something was taken away and something was given back to me - my life.

I won't be overly maudlin. It's almost 2am and I'm about to go to bed, but when I rise tomorrow I'll light a candle in honour of our dead baby.

I live to fight another day, to try again.

For that I must be thankful.

It won't be a sad day, just a slightly pensive one.

Unexplained pain scares me

I've been in some pain since yesterday and because I don't have an explanation for it, I'm worried about it.

It started yesterday as a twinge on my left side, so I thought I might be ovulating from the side with no tube. I've noticed one period so far since my op where I definitely ovulated form the 'bad' side - as it hurt a lot.

This morning I started getting a stabbing pain in my vagina and it hurts every time I bend over, lean or walk. The pain has now moved to my right side, so I'm hoping it's just the path of my egg making its way to pop out of my remaining fallopian tube.

Because pain that changes side can be a sign of an ectopic, I did a pregnancy test, although it's be too soon to tell anyway. I guess I just wanted to reassure myself. Stabbing pains in my vagina happened just before my fallopian tube burst in January, but as James reminded me - I was in a LOT more pain then. 

It may seem neurotic to some, but when you've come so close to dying (and not even realised it at that moment in time), every pain thus forth has to be explained away. If I ever manage to have a child/family, I think I'll opt for sterilisation afterwards so I never have to go through this worry ever again.

Hopefully, this pain is 'just' ovulation. 

I'm trying to ignore it. I just played table tennis and managed to push through the pain. The gynae appointment at the hospital can't come quick enough!

Good doctor visit with TMI photo!

Something I should've clarified before is some of the things I post in this blog don't have anything to do with pregnancy or wanting to be pregnant, but there's no other place for them. I certainly can't post photos of my vaginal discharge on my main blog ;) 

Any lady-bits related stuff will go in this blog. 

Something I realised I needed to make a clarification on is the difference between me wanting to be pregnant and thinking I am. It's highly improbable that I am up the duff, I know that, but it doesn't stop me wishing I was. I'm very glad my doctor is checking for it (without anything actually having to be said), and without making me feel like some kind of mental patient.

I went to see the lovely lady GP today. The last few doctor visits I've had, I've printed off all the salient details to hand over, rather than attempting to rely on my crap memory, and it seems to have worked wonders. I listed every slightly 'hinky' thing which has happened since my ectopic pregnancy - the cramping combined with light bleeding, the cramping on its own at various times, the numerous occasions there has been bloody mucus when wiping after a wee, the oddness of my cycle etc etc. And of course I showed her my bulging tum, and she examined it.

My blood is being checked to see if my hormones are out of whack, I'm having a hcg test just to rule pregnancy out (because of my history), and I had vaginal swabs taken to see if an infection is causing the old blood in my cervical mucus. I also showed the doc a photo of the mucus so she could see the colour and consistency of it. What a treat for her at 8.30 in the morning! Poor love.

When I had the speculum inserted by the nurse and she locked it open it bloody hurt like hell. I've had several smears and numerous internals from my ectopic pregnancies and I've never had any pain when someone's been rooting around in my lady passage. The nurse told me afterwards to expect blood, as she could see my cervix is 'tender'. I'll bloody say so, it still stings when I bend over nearly 12 hours later. She was right about the blood too, it came out after the last 2 wees with what looks like a load of skin cells.

I post these TMI photos in case anyone else comes along who's wondering what the hell is going on with their body. It seems there's a lot of talk on the internet on forums about people trying to conceive, a lot of questions being asked, and not a lot of answers. I want photos! I want to know what things look like, so I can identify with people and thus feel less lost myself. If I can help one person feel less lost and alone, I'm happy to keep the TMI photos coming.

TMI PHOTO ALERT!

Don't look if you're easily grossed out.

You can click this for a larger image if you're brave enough

Those minging little balls are bits of skin that came out. 

Gerrrr-oss!

Here is the latest gut photo in all its..errrr...glory.

Whoaaaaa! That's some IBS!

The Mr says I've lost weight (which is probably due to the manic time I've had cleaning and moving furniture around for the electricians) but definitely not in the tummy area. 

In a week I'll know if my hormones are out of whack and if I have any yukky infections.

Has anyone had pain or bleeding after a vaginal exam?

Oh shite, I forgot to mention fibroids and poly cystic kidneys as possible causes of swelling.

I'll see what the test results are then go from there.

I'm just really pleased my doc is on the ball.

So, it happened. TMI photo!

I knew someone would ask me if I was pregnant last night, and they did. 

Sometimes having a sixth sense sucks.

I went to the wedding reception of someone who now works for the same company I used to work for. I didn't actually work with her - I worked with her mum - and I got to know E through her mum. I knew I'd be seeing some faces I hadn't seen for a long time, and although I'm not Facebook friends with all of the ex-Comet people there, I'm friends with enough of them for news to have got around about my last ectopic pregnancy and us trying for another sprog.

I was greeted very warmly by everyone there and it was really touching, actually. I was well and truly hugged! 

One of the ladies there came up to me, cradled my belly and asked me "When is it due?"

"Tomorrow!" I said, laughing. 

She asked if I was joking and I said I'm not pregnant. She was terribly apologetic, and I just laughed it off, but it has reinforced my need to find out what the hell is going on with me, as I know I LOOK very pregnant.

Excuse the stupid facial expression. This is me standing naturally, not pooching the thing out.

Added to that, everyone told me I looked really well, and the word 'glowing' was used more than once.

I've been feeling great, too - which for anybody who knows the story of my health - is a very rare occurrence along the lines of rocking horse shit. So rare, I wonder what the hell is causing it, because I can't remember the last time I felt this alive. But hey ho, I'm embracing it! I'll make the most of it :)

Last week was a really busy one, with very little sleep because of the early mornings every day (it takes me a long time to get to sleep, way into the small hours most times, and I was getting up at 7.30am every day ready for the electricians), lots of heavy lifting and sweating my butt off every day. I emptied out the whole spare room (aside from the Mr's drum kit) to the opposite side of the flat so the room could be re-wired, moved all the furniture to the centre of the living room so the electricians could do the wall sockets, cleaned like a loony getting rid of all the plaster dust residue every day, had a massive clear out of junk from the spare room, and re-homed everything the electricians moved out of their way (which was almost every damn thing).

I've had a bee in my bonnet about everything. I cleared out the cupboard under the stairs, even though I'm terrified of lurking spiders, rearranged all the bedroom furniture apart from the bed (good luck moving that on my own, it weighs a ton!), swept cobwebs, and did a dozen other annoying jobs. As well as this I've been doing loads of work on the website, I've designed loads of new badges, uploaded hundreds of photos to the Funki Munki Badges Facebook page, done the orders....need I go on?!

In short, I'm a woman possessed.

Possessed by what is what I don't know. I keep expecting Sigourney Weaver to pop up while she waits for an alien to burst out of my abdomen!

BOO!

On a serious note, once the electricians have gone once and for all (so I don't have to be at home in the mornings and can get to the docs for 8am) I will go to the doctor to ask for tests.

Edited to show goo coming out of my front bottom at various stages of the month.

Charming eh? Likely my hormones are fucked.

I think the oddness with bleeding and irregular periods are probably caused by out of whack hormones and are a different issue to the stomach swelling. I'm going to the doctors tomorrow morning and hopefully she'll have a root where the sun doesn't shine to see if she can feel fibroids or anything. I'll also bring up poly cystic kidneys as that can cause stomach swelling too. Thinking about it, my aunt who has PCK has a quite rounded tum, and she's as skinny as a rake.

The Gut

I know for a fact I've only put a pound on since January, because I was weighed last week at the hospital. I'm pretty sure in January I didn't look like this.

The Mr took some shots of me for my other blog earlier and this is a 'reject' from those shots, as I certainly wouldn't want people to see this over there. I had no idea it had got this big. I knew it was getting bigger, but I didn't know it looked like this:

 There it is, at the left side of the photo, just by my right hand. That thing jutting out at a weird angle like that. My bloody stomach. 

You can see the narrowest part of me, just under my boobs. Those horizontal lines there are elastic, and just above that you can see the curve of my boob. That point there to where I've put the horizontal red line (above) is what has totally freaked me out. It's not normally dead flat, but it's not normally like that either!

Here, I've cropped, lightened and drawn a line around the outside of that thing so you can see better what I mean.

I wish I had one fully sideways-on to show you the monstrosity of that thing. 

What the fuck is it?! 

I'm a fat bird, but generally speaking my boobs stick out more or equal to my stomach. My fattest bit has always been below the belly button, not just under my boobs. 

It's not a dodgy angle, that's me standing normally and not holding anything in. I had no idea it looked like that. We have no full length mirror here.

For comparison, this is what I looked like a little over a year ago, and I'm about the same weight now. It's not the best pic as the dots make your eyes go funny, but it doesn't look like I'm hiding an extractor fan under my top, like the other pictures do.

It's a fuzzy pic because I've 'borrowed' it off a mate from Facebook

See, I was kinda straight up and down. Boobage sticking out about as much as the gut. I've deliberately chosen another kinda sideways on picture for comparison.

What the fuck?

Has anyone got any missing livestock?! Hahaha! Any missing cows in the area?

Now do you see why I think I might* be pregnant? 

*Despite alllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll probability.

Yes, just go ahead and call that shrink for me now. You know you wanna.

I really don't know what's going on in my body

So, you know I had my second ectopic in January.

8 weeks to the DAY after that I came on, and had a normal period. Thank you very much, I can still likely conceive. Woop de woop!

My next period after that was after 29 days (my usual cycle) and was really heavy, soaked through 2 super-absorbancy towels at once, right through my clothes, made me anaemic, yadda yadda. Having a good ol' clear out.

Then I had a shitload of pregnancy symptoms, starting in early April and going on for weeks. I 'came on' or had a heavy-ish bleed for 4 days (which seemed like a normal period to me, although thankfully not as heavy as the last one by far) and 2 days of light spotting afterwards (I normally go 4 days, maybe 4 and a bit, with no spotting afterwards ever, it just dwindles and ends). That was on day 41 of my cycle that I 'came on'. I didn't stop feeling pregnant in the slightest, making me think I was going fucking insane. 

 Of course, I couldn't share this with any living soul, not anyone lest people think 'Aww, she's so desperate to be a mum she's imagining herself pregnant.'

I've been up with horrible cramps more nights than I care to remember, I've even phoned the hospital in tears twice, and I haven't been able to share this with anyone, not even James.

Every other time I've been late (twice last year, for instance) I've come on early afterwards as if my body knows exactly what it's doing and where my cycle should be. If that'd been the case, I should have come on on May 21st (12 days late + 17 days into cycle= 29) or thereabouts but I didn't. I did however have lots of blood with mucus in it every time I wiped after a pee (which lasted for 2-3 days), and lots of tummy cramps which kept me up till the early hours crying my eyes out around the time I may have come on, if my body was re-regulating itself.

I wasn't overly bothered about not coming on then, and just thought that when it got to the usual 29 days I would've come on - on June 2nd. 

Did I bollocks! 

So I'm a week late today and I have a box load of negative tests. Literally a dozen, the last one done a few days ago.

What the FUCK is going on? Am I starting the menopause? What other reason could there be for my cycle going from 29 days since the year dot, to the late 30/early 40 days mark?

To be clear, I have never been late twice on the trot in my life. 

But then prior to January I'd never in my life had a part of my reproductive system yanked out, either!

To further add to the already massive headfuck, I've had sore tits for ages, feel ratty and weepy and altogether pre-menstrual....without a fucking period to blame for it, thus far. 

Am I just seeing the dwindling of my menstrual cycle as I sink into grey old age? 

Will I come on within the next week? 

How long is a piece of string?!

If things weren't bad enough, Miss Googlefingers here has been doing some research about stuff and things, and came up with decidual bleeding and reports of people who go full term without ever having a positive home pregnancy test. 

Why do I do it to myself?

Long story short, do I think I'm pregnant? I don't know. 

Do I think something is seriously fucked in my body? Yes.

I'm going to go and see a doctor about this soon to see if there are any hormone tests they can do on me. 

I'm starting to seriously believe I may never hold my child in my arms, and if that is the case, how can I get married next year, knowing I could be ridding him of his chance to be a father? A man's need to father a child is strong, and it might be kinder to break it off so he can do that, rather than him deciding 10 years down the road, when the ship has truly sailed for me (if it ever had wind to begin with), that he has to be a dad.

I don't think I could take that. 

What a headfuck.

Fuuuuuuuck

I went to bed last night feeling nauseous and woke up this morning bleeding - WTF?!

I *was* going to go to the docs this morning as I would've been 12 days late today, but when I got up at 7am to get ready and went for a wee there was a little brown blood when I wiped. I went back to bed as I thought there's no point going to the doctors now. I had cramping all day yesterday with no bleeding, so at first I wasn't too worried.

When I got up some hours later (I've been sooo tired lately) I expected to see a pad smothered in blood, but there was nothing, but throughout this afternoon the blood has got redder and heavier. Some light bleeding can be expected in early pregnancy, but not this much, surely? So I think that's that. I've got a lot of cramping, more on the side where I have no tube for some stupid reason, but I guess everything is still inflamed from the op.

I have no plans to go to the hospital to find out if I'm having a miscarriage (unless the pain worsens). I think it's best if I never know one way or the other whether I was just late, or have lost a bean, but you all know my suspicions.

I'm sad, fucked off and miserable and I'd bloody well better bleed for a full 5 days so I can put this behind me without any more worry.

Yes, we can try again and yes I can enjoy a cheeky Pimms or two now, but it doesn't stop me being incredibly fucked off. I'll bounce back - what other choice do I have?!

I'm not going to pray

It didn't do me any good last time to plead silently in the night with the higher power (call it what you want), so I'm not going to start now. Last night when I was too afraid to go to sleep in case I didn't wake up* I found myself close to begging for all to be well, but stopped myself. Hoping and praying doesn't work. Whatever is going to happen will happen whether or not I cast requests for help and positivity into the ether.

So here I am, 5 days late, nauseous as ever, with breaking back, greasy skin, spotty face, fatigue, slightly sore ta-ta's, and yet another negative test telling me I'm deluded. Last time I had all these symptoms and a positive result. This time I have the symptoms and no test result to reassure, not that being pregnant is any assurance for someone who's had ectopic pregnancies. I should be entirely disheartened, but I'm not totally without hope, and even as I say that I feel a fool. I feel a fool to hope, because hope has been no friend of mine thus far.

Being sure of something against all evidence is a sign of madness or blind faith, and I'm not sure what the cause of mine is. However, my body is telling me something is not right within. 

I take some reassurance from the women I see on forums who had symptoms but didn't get a positive test until they were a week late,  2 weeks late, 6 weeks late, 7 weeks late, 4 months late.....although by that point I think I would've asked for an ultrasound! :) I know it's very early days for me to get upset about it. It wouldn't be so bad if I hadn't felt pregnant for over 3 weeks by this point. The stress is so bad I think I'd almost rather come on to be rid of the stress. James is worried sick.

Do I trust this tiny sliver of hope inside me? Do I believe the symptoms I'm getting? Or do I start to worry that I'm going insane?

If I can, I'm going to avoid testing for another week and see if my symptoms persist or if I come on. I'll carry on taking my folic acid, avoiding booze, raw eggs, soft cheese, pate and all that jazz just in case.

*I had diarrhoea yesterday, which can be a sign of ectopic pregnancy. I had diarrhoea the day before my tube burst, so I got into an almighty panic and wrote James a note in case I didn't wake up. Also, I had some twinges in my left side, but I think they're psychosomatic, as every time I think about my op I get twinges there, and besides, I have no left tube.

So, here we are

I'm 2 days late now, and not a smidge of red to be seen anywhere. I'm still nauseous, my lower back feels like it's made of glass, and I've started sleeping like the dead. I had over 10 hours sleep last night, a very rare treat indeed. Also, I've been feeling a bit like I'm getting a cold, so I looked at my diary for last year, and sure thang, when I was in the early stages of pregnancy then I started to feel a bit sore throated and weird. I also saw in my diary last time how I got all spotty and greasy of forehead. Check! Spotty chin, lardy forehead.

So today I'm going to test. I *had* told myself I'd wait to see if I was a week late and then test, but if I am prego this bean could be ectopic and I could be in a world of shit before I know it. My first ectopic was when I was 3 weeks pregnant - i.e. a week before my period was due. That's why I had no idea I was pregnant until everything kicked off that time.

All along - since less than a week after we did the deed - I've been convinced I am pregnant. James's doubt and lack of excitement haven't bothered me (and I totally get his lack of excitement, it's self preservation) because it's like there's been a little voice reassuring me all will be well.

Sometime today or perhaps tomorrow morning (for the better capture of hcg in morning pee) I'm going to find out if that voice is true or a trickster.

But what if I'm going mental and imagining the whole thing?! Arrrghhh. Every time I go for a pee I expect to see red. I've done 3 tests now and they're all negative. That's it, no more testing unless I haven't come on in another 5 days, then I'll be a week late.

Must. Be. Strong.

Last time I was 6 days late when I tested and the second line was VERY faint. I guess I was a daft arse for expecting to see anything at 2 days late! I must stop this cycle of hope and despair. Easier said than done when it means the world to me :(

Well....

..... I am now officially late.

Yesterday came and went without a hint of redness. Every time I pee I expect to see something, but there's nothing there. Something I noticed yesterday is that I am extremely emotional. Everything sets me off - happy, sad, you get the picture.

Also, my boobs feel weird. This is TMI but they feel different, extra soft and spongy, but fuller too. WTF is that all about?!

It's too soon to be counting my chickens, but every day I don't come on leads me closer to thinking I *might* actually be incubating a host! :)

I've decided....

....that if I'm not knocked up, that I might just be dying. Nausea, headaches, backache....someone shoot me and put me out of my misery!! :)

In all seriousness, I did a test today and it was negative. I used a cheap Asda one which you can use up to 4 days prior to the day your period is due. (Today is 4 days before my period is due to start). Negative. I'm not disheartened (yet) because I still feel so awful! If I don't come on on Saturday I will test again. I know tests before your period is due are less reliable than regular ones. If I'm just having an unfortunate set of symptoms and I still come on this weekend, I'll be very surprised but will look forward to cracking on with the trying again.

Today I've felt sick all day. Today is the first day I've felt sick after food. Usually eating makes it go away. Today it hasn't. It's a hot day and I have a headache, so I'm being careful to drink loads of water in case that's making me feel the need to vom.

I'm sure Saturday will come round soon enough and we'll see what happens then!

When your happiness makes someone else feel sad/jealous

We've all been there at some point......an experience someone else is going through makes us feel envious, or makes us feel we wish it was us. Then we snap out of ourselves and go back to being good, supportive friends who are thrilled this brilliant thing is happening to our mates.

I've know my oldest friend for 22 years and there's rarely a day we don't text one another, even though we can go years without seeing each other. She has one child, and has been trying for another for about 2-3 years. She knows I could've died after my ectopic pregnancy, and when I told her I thought I might be pregnant, I was expecting her to be happy for me despite her own struggles as she knows how much of a toll trying to be a mum has taken on me.

Nope, didn't seem so.

I must say that before anyone thinks I should've been a bit more considerate about her feelings, I've been there through every up and down for her. I knew she was pregnant before she did and told her to have a test, which of course was positive. I also knew the baby would be a girl, and it was....I'm a bit of a witch with my predictions coming true. Her daughter is gorgeous and I love her to bits. She sang happy birthday down the phone to me last year, which was wonderful. I've been at the end of the phone for dozens of phone calls and thousands of texts as she's raved enthusiastically about the minutiae of her child's life.

When I said I thought I might be pregnant, she said "At least you can get pregnant."

Ow, that stings. I can get pregnant, but so far have a 2 for 2 strike rate of losing the damn thing - and last time I almost lost my life.

Now I feel like if I am pregnant, she won't share in my joy with me. That sucks.

I know some of the people reading this have been through/are going through struggles to conceive and I feel for every one of you, I really do, because for so many of us trying to conceive, being pregnant, having the pregnancy grow in the right place, going full term or giving birth to a live baby is a thing we've yet to experience. The more I hear about everyone's struggles, the more I believe the whole process of conception and childbirth is a miracle. Having sex is the easiest bit about it, the rest seems to rely far more on luck than biology.

If I am pregnant, that's just the beginning for me. There will be blood testing at the docs every 2 days, early scans, and shit loads of worry that I'll ever be able to carry a child to term. On top of that, I have my age and weight against me. Nothing about this is easy for me, and for someone to feel jealous of me seems ridiculous, especially taking into consideration just 3 months ago I was in a hospital bed having had a part of me removed to save my life. I'm in no position for someone to be jealous of me.

Having someone feel shit because of something that may be happening to me makes me feel terrible. Perhaps in hindsight I should've held off telling her until I am certain, but I mistakenly thought she'd be there for me like I've been there for her.

Looking promising

For the last couple of days I've had bad abdominal cramps and there's quite a lot of brown goo today when I wipe after a wee. I've also been getting low blood sugar and have still been feeling nauseous early in the mornings and when I'm hungry (the nausea has been going on for over a week now).

From www.justmommies.com: Implantation bleeding normally occurs a week to a few days before your period would normally start. (Mine is due in 7 days). Spotting that occurs around a week after ovulation (I ovulated between 7th-10th April - today is the 16th. You do the maths!) is likely implantation bleeding; whereas, spotting that occurs very close to the time that your period would normally start may not be.

I'm pretty sure we've cracked it and am kinda starting to get excited, but at the same time I'm really scared as well.

We went to get an early test from the supermarket today. They didn't have any 6 day advance tests, but they had one where you can test 4 days before you're due, and that means I can test on Wednesday.

I'll be VERY surprised if I don't see a positive result on Wednesday!

Hmmmm

I am even more of the notion I'm with child.

I was awake until past 3am last night with hideous stomach cramps. I'd taken 4 strong paracetamol in the evening and it didn't touch it. Stomach cramps=implantation pains?

This morning I feel really sick, more so than in the previous few days since I started having symptoms, and in the same pattern of things as when I was pregnant. It's a case of nausea when I'm hungry, nausea when I'm full, and nausea in the morning.

Intriguing....

I'll keep you informed.

Waiting Game

My fella and I started to try again for a baby recently. After no time at all (literally a few days after the first time we had sex with no contraception) I started to have symptoms.......you know the ones.

Nausea.
Red tinges when I wipe after a pee occasionally.
Really bad lower back ache.
Period-like cramps.

Obviously, I have to bear in mind that there could be a huge amount of wishful thinking here, but all of these symptoms are exactly the same as they were just 3 and a half months ago when I was going through them when I was pregnant. Either I'm imagining all of this and need my head examined, or there might be a bun in the oven again. My period-like cramps aren't going anywhere even after 2 strong Paracetamol.

Could I really have been lucky enough to strike it lucky the first time?! I barely dare ask the question, let alone believe it could be true.

When I was pregnant last time I started to get nauseous just a few days after we conceived - way before I had any inkling I was pregnant - and it gradually got worse. I'll be monitoring things, as it's too early to do a test yet, even one of the First Response ones you can do 6 days before. I have a wait of almost a week before I can do one of those tests.

I'm not going to mention any of this to anyone on Facebook, so if you read this you're amongst the few in the loop. If this auto-posts to Facebook, I'll delete the post ASAP. Something I can't go through again is living everything out under the spotlight again, but at the same time I need to share things or else I'll go mad.

If I turn out not to be pregnant, we'll just keep trying. If I do turn out to be pregnant, I'll still need to keep things on the down-low until 3 months are up, as I couldn't bear to become a subject of pity if everything goes to shit again.

I'll keep you informed.